TW: Depression, chronic pain, suicidal thoughts
Dear diary,
today I have to vent. Just got back from an appoitnment with my pain doctor to ask for better pain medication. Told him that I need 4 Naproxen and that it only gets me from pain level 10 down to 7. His reply: “That’s what we want.” Wtf?! With pain level 7 I can’t do anything, not leaving the house nor do my household. For understanding: The pain level scala goes from 1 (little pain like a cut in the finger or hämatom) to 10 (worst case, when the wwhole world is breaking down over you and all you can do is cry in the fetus position and hope you die).
So I’m not happy with being constantly on pain level 7. I was hoping that I can find a medication what gets me free of pain again. But it seems like this an illusion.
He now gave me Mitamizol, what is not authorized in many countries because it can cause a irreversible damage to bone marrow. Before he gave me the prescription I told him that I don’t want to take this but he means I should try it before we try some opioide. I then asked him about Dronabinol, which is a cannabinoiode medicament what you can get on special drug prescription. Health insurances often don’t cover it but through my researches I found out that my insurance covers it in special cases.
When I mentioned Dronabinol, my doc immediately got aggressive. He said, that I won’t get it from him, that it’s not a pain medication and only for people who have deadly diseases to increase their appetite before they die. He said, that it’s useless for chronic pain patients, that everyone what’s written about on the internet is made up by junkies who want to get it to get high. He told me if I want this I can go and get cannabis illegally but it will not help my pain and just makes me high. Also he claimed that it makes addicted and that you get psychoses from it. Sounds like he’s not educated at all and not willing to educate himself about cannabis as medication.
When we talked about opioide, he said that he doesn’t want to give me them either as long as my name isn’t changed legally, because they could come someone and say “You only believe you are transgender because you are on morphin”. Joa, from that logic he could have also told me that I can’t be trans because I’m autistic and can’t be sure then.
In the end he said that sometimes the homoeopathic medicaments are often better than opioide because they don’t do damage on liver and kidneys. Well, cannabis is a plant so homoeopathic, or am wrong? I don’t get this logic…
Anyway, I’m totally done now. The rest of the time in his office I got a shutdown and couldn’t say anything no more. It felt I fight against windmills. Now back home, I’m still fighting to not get a meltdown and break down in tears, scream and beat me. I honestly don’t know how to survive the next days. If I get another pain thrust, I don’t know how to endure it. I feel super mad, exhausted, depressive, hopeless and desperate right now. I really don’t know how to survive with this pain. It makes me feel suicidal and want to slit my wrists so I never have to struggle with this pain no more. I just want to give up. I can’t no more.
Loner on the road 