So I decided to make new pages only for the crowdfunding for the service dog. You can now follow, like and share on Facebook and Instagram! When I’ve reached the first goal, and have adopted a puppy, I will post regularly updates about our life and training there 🙂 I will post in german and english.

Service Dog For Luka (Facebook)

Service Dog For Luka (Instagram)

You still can doante here: Leetchi Crowdfunding and the text is now also in english, you must scroll down.

Thank you!


KanaVape (Review)

KanaVape (Review)

Vor 2 Wochen habe ich mir eine CBD E-Zigarette für 49,90€ von KanaVape bestellt. (KanaVape) Ich hatte vorher schon 5% CBD Tropfen von Hemptouch probiert. Diese wirkten sehr gut und schnell, allerdings kam ich mit der Dosierung nicht klar. Man sollte 2-3 Tropfen 2-Mal täglich nehmen. Da diese unter die Zunge geträufelt werden sollte, war es schwierig für mich die genaue Dosierung zu treffen. Ich spür da nix 😀 Da das CBD aber sonst so gut wirkte, habe ich mir gedacht, dass ich mit inhalieren besser klarkommen würde. Also den KanaVape bestellt. Lieferung kam schnell und Bezahlung per Überweisung klappte auch. Der KanaVape kam mit einer Patrone, die es in Natur Hanf oder Minze Geschmack gibt und kein Teer oder Tabak enthält!, und mit einem Akku den man per USB aufladen kann. Der Akku soll für 500 Züge reichen, eine Patrone für ca. 200 Züge. Die Nachfüllpatronen sind einfach zu wechseln, da abschraubbar. Kein eintröpfeln von Öl, wie bei manch anderen E-Zigaretten. Das macht es leichter wie Menschen wie mich, die Probleme mit der Feinmotorik haben.
Kleine Überraschung bei der Lieferung: eine Probe von einer Hautsalbe von Hemptouch lag bei 😀 Riecht sehr streng nach Hanf also nicht unbedingt fürs Gesicht geeignet.


Über den Tag verteilt nehm ich immer mal wieder 3-4 Züge. Das CBD schmeckt man nicht wirklich aber es hilft. Schon nach 30min spüre ich wie ich entspannter werde, die Muskeln sich besser entspannen. Vor allem abends hilft es mir beim einschlafen, da ich so gut runter kommen kann. CBD hilft mir bei den entzündlichen Tumorschmerzen im Bauch. In Kombination mit meinem Tilidin wirkt es sehr gut. Ich habe seltener Bauch- und Beinkrämpfe und fühle mich insgesamt entspannter ohne mich zugedröhnt zu fühlen.  Für mich funktioniert der KanaVape ganz gut und ich hab mir schon eine Nachfüllpatrone bestellt.

Asexual Awareness Week 2017

Asexual Awareness Week 2017

So it’s Asexual Awareness Week again. First I like to talk about common misunderstandings about asexuality that are, sadly, even shared by asexuals, before I want to share some personal stories. CN for sexual speech!

“Asexuals don’t have a libido/desire to have sex!”

That is so, not correct. Asexuality is just the lack of sexual attraction. That feeling when allosexuals (non-asexual people) look at a certain person and think “Damn, that person is hot! I’d liked to get fucked by them!” That is what asexuals don’t have. That’s the real definition of asexuality.

Some asexuals also might have a libido, so the lust feeling and ability to get sexual aroused. That is different from sexual attraction.

“Asexuals don’t have sex/want sex/don’t masturbate!”

Like I mentioned above, asexuals can have a libido and the ability to get aroused. So an asexual person can masturbate to receive pleasure or have sex with their partner for many different reasons. Some might do it to please their partners, others even receive pleasure from it, others again do it to reproduce. All of them are still asexual.

“Asexuals don’t want relationships!”

Many asexuals do desire a romantic relationship. Asexuality is not the same as aromanticism, which is the lack of romantic attraction. Their romantic relationships might differ from allosexual folks when the asexual person don’t want a sexual component but that doesn’t make their relationship “platonic”. Ever had sex with a person without being in love with them? Yes? Well, that works the other way around too. One can love a person without desiring them sexually.

Now I want to talk about my own asexuality. I’m a so called gray-asexual: It happens very rarely to me that I find a person sexually attractive. Most people I look at are just meh. The term gray-asexual comes from that I’m in the grey area of sexuality. Theoretically I can experience sexual attraction but since it almost never happens and I mostly don’t desire to live out my sexuality with another human being, I identify as on the asexual spectrum. Jokingly I often say being gray-asexual is like Schrödinger’s cat: for the pure asexual community I often feel too sexual, where as for the allosexual community I don’t feel sexual enough.
I’m one of those asexuals who have a working libido, I can get aroused and like to watch porn and masturbate. That’s why I get upset if fellow asexuals say that being asexual means having no libido and no desire for sex. It might be the case for some asexuals but not for all!
In my past, I never wanted a relationship. I’m also aromantic. I never had the desire for a romantic relationship. But since I got shown that this is the lifegoal(TM) for everyone, and being told that my feelings I had for people were romantic instead of platonic as I always stated, I gave into the pressure. I thought, I was just confused, something is wrong with me, maybe the feelings will come after a while? To everyone out there struggling with these feelings, don’t give in what others tell you! You know yourself best! If you don’t have a desire for romantic relationships and/or sex, stay true to yourself! Don’t let others try to tell you what you “will want one day”!

In my relationships that I had, I just endured the sex because it was “neccessary” for a relationship. That’s not rue. I know better now. The only thing I enjoyed when getting sexual with my boyfriends, was when I could please them. When they wanted to give the favour back, I felt repulsed, sick to my stomach, disgusted. I couldn’t stand it at all. Now it also happens that I’m trans so I’m not sure if this feeling was caused by body dysphoria or if I’m truly sex repulsed. One can be sex repulsed by certain sex practices. For me it was getting touched, receiving sexual things, whereas giving was fine for me. But since I’m not craving a romantic relationship again, it doesn’t matter to me what causes my sex repulsion. Sometimes I’d like to find out if it’s better now since I’m transitioned but if I don’t find a trusting person anymore, I’m fine with staying abstinent and single until my death.

And that’s the most important: asexuals don’t suffer from being asexual. Therefor they shouldn’t be forced to try to “fix them” because there is nothing “to fix”. Asexuals are fine the way they are. Asexuals aren’t broken!


TW: Rape, sexual assault, domestic violence!

The #MeToo Hastag goes around and I want to speak up what I went through too. Because it’s not only women who get raped. Everybody can be a victim of sexual assault; regardless of gender!

A while ago I wrote a short story like post in german about this. (Autobiografische Kurzgeschichte (Teil 1)Autobiografische Kurzgeschichte Part 2Autobiografische Kurzgeschichte 3) Now I want to try to do it in english again.

I was 17 and had my first boyfriend. He invited me to his friends home. We were alone there. He started to kiss me and touch me but I told him that I didn’t want to sleep with him. He got more pushy and suddenly grabbed me, rolled me over on my belly and pressed my head in a pillow. I couldn’t breathe, scream or fight. His whole weight was on me. All I could do was lay there and wait until he finished. When I went back home, my legs were shaking. I was confused. It was my first time sex and I didn’t know if it was normal to feel like I did. Disgusted, scared, used. Later I talked with my friend and cousins about it. But they only told me that “Every woman has to go through it.” “Sex is only for men.” “First time is always awful.”
Until I talked with a rape survivor, I didn’t even realised what has happened. Because of what I was told. “Every woman has to go through it. It’s normal.”

Because I’ve been told that “it will get better if you make more experiences”, I kept being with him. I even married this man. I was young and naive.
One night he came home drunk. I was sleeping and sedated from my pain medication and antidepressants. When he first touched me, I didn’t really wake up. I thought I was dreaming. But when he got on top of me, I realised it wasn’t a dream. My brain was foggy but I tried to push him off me. But he just held my arms over my head while he raped me. Again I only could wait until he finished. Gladly I was so sedated that I kept passing out during the assault. The next morning I wasn’t even sure if this really had happened, but I could feel it from my vagina.

He tried to rape me one more time but this time I could fight back. I got myself free off his arms and escaped to the living room. He followed me, grabbed me and told me that I “owe him sex” and that he “can use me whenever he wants” because I was “his wife”. I fought with him so he slapped me into my face. But so I finally could get free and threw something at him before I grabbed my keys and left the apartment. I was only seconds in front of the door when I remembered a friend of my friend who lived just 2 doors down. I got there quickly, scared, he would follow me. I ringed this friend out of bed at 3am and he gave me a shocked look when he saw the mess that I was. After I told him what happened, he wanted to go over and beat him but I stopped him. I was just glad that he didn’t know where I was and that I was safe there for the moment.

I have never spoken about this. Only with a close friend and my therapist. My family doesn’t know what happened, and as I said, I myself only realised it was rape after I talked with a rape survivor. All the years I thought “it wasn’t real rape”, “we were a couple”, “he didn’t use force”. Rape comes in many shapes. If you say “No!” but a man goes on, it’s rape! If you are unconscious and he uses your shape, it’s rape! Even if he’s your boyfriend or husband. We must break our silence so other victims can realise if they got raped. I don’t want anybody to suffer for 15 years like I did because I thought “that doesn’t count”.

There are some other stories but I haven’t worked them through myself yet, so I will share them later.

Behindertenfeindlichkeit bei öffentlichen Behörden

Gestern bekam ich mal wieder Post. Besser gesagt, meine Mutter bekam Post für mich. Ist leider nicht das erste und einzige Mal, dass Behörden Post an mich gerichtet zu meiner Mutter schicken anstatt zu mir.
Ja, ich bin autistisch und habe Pflegegrad 1. Das heißt jedoch nicht das ich meine Post nicht selbst annehmen und öffnen kann!
Einmal hatte ich mich beschwert, bei der Pflegekasse. Antwort war, sie müssen das so machen da meine Mutter als Pflegeperson eingetragen ist. WTF?! Ich lebe allein, in meiner eigenen Wohnung, habe ein eigenes Konto und auch einen Briefkasten. Wenn wer was von mir will, sollen sie mich direkt anschreiben!
Leider ist diese Art Behinderfeindlichkeit, und andere, alltäglich bei Behörden. Als ich noch undiagnostiziert war und noch keine Rente bezog, also noch zum Jobcenter musste, bin ich auf viel Unverständnis gestossen. Bei Terminen benötige ich oft eine Begleitperson. Zur kommunikativen Unterstützung aber auch zur Beruhigung, da diese Termine oft sehr stressend sind. Sehr oft ist es passiert, dass ich im Gespräch völlig ignoriert wurde, und nur mit meiner Mutter gesprochen wurde. Oder ich war aufgrund von Stress temporär mutistisch (nicht-verbal) und wurde schon unverschämt angesprochen, ich solle doch selbst was sagen, man würde nicht mit meiner Begleitperson reden. Wenn Mutti versuchte zu erklären, dass das nicht ginge weil ich (damals noch) Sozialphobie habe, wurde ihr das Wort abgeschnitten. “Das kann ihr Kind selbst sagen! Es ist doch erwachsen!” Liebe Behöreden, Behinderungen sind nicht immer sichtbar! Wenn ein Mensch eine Begleitperson dabei hat, wird es einen Grund haben! Zeigen Sie doch mal Verständnis und fragen freundlich(!) nach!

Gerade auch wegen der Sachen mit der Autismus-Assistenz, habe ich festgestellt, dass viele Menschen ein verzerrtes Bild von Behinderung haben. Für viele gilt nur All or Nothing. Benötigt ein behinderter Mensch Unterstützung in einigen Bereichen des Alltags, gehen die meisten Menschen davon aus, dass dies für alle Bereiche des Lebens gilt. Behinderung ist nicht schwarz-weiß.
Mir wurde schon Objektivität abgesprochen. “Was Sie möchten, muss nicht das sein was Sie brauchen!” Diesen Satz empfand ich sehr übergriffig! Wie soll ein nicht-behinderter Mensch, der mich nur aus Akten kennt, wissen was für Hilfen ich benötige und welche nicht?! Ich weiß sehr gut, was ich brauche! Und das ist nicht eine “autismusspezifische Förderung”. Ich komme sehr gut im Leben klar, danke. Leider merke ich immer wieder wie Behörden davon ausgehen, nur weil ich Hilfe bei Terminkoordination und Absprachen (telefonisch, mündlich) von meiner Mutter bekomme, ich nicht selbstständig leben kann und werde schon fast als unmündig hingestellt. Mir wurde schon von diesen Personen geraten mir einen gesetzlichen Betreuer zu holen. “Man muss ja an die Zukunft denken!” Oder man hat mir nahe gelegt in ein Heim zu ziehen. “Da haben Sie gleich Betreuung mit dabei!” Sehr übergriffig, Mündigkeit absprechend, behindertenfeindlich.

Ich kann verstehen warum viele behinderte Menschen sich allein mit Familie und Bekannten durchkämpfen anstelle sich an Behörden zu wenden. Weil man menschenunwürdig behandelt wird.

Future dreams

Future dreams

Since I was a little kid, I wanted to learn finnish and move to Helsinki. I couldn’t come far with those dreams yet, because of my chronic illness. It will get hard for me over there, and I’m not sure if I even can do it.
I was looking online for some courses and found one that only would be 2 times a week for 2 hours, 8 weeks long. This is the shortest I could find. But still I’m not sure if I’m able to take them. Two times for two hours seems not much, but for me as a chronic ill person, it is very hard. Usually when I had one appointment a day, like doctors or just grocery shopping, I’m so exhausted I need 2 hours sleep right after and at least one day off to recover.
I can imagine how hard this will get in Helsinki. Especially if I won’t get support there for the daily life things that I have here, like doing the household. I really don’t know how to solve this problem to make my dream come true. I only have one friend who lives in Helsinki, but he has a super busy job and we’re not that close that I could ask him for the support I need :/

The other, bigger dream is, to move to Helsinki. I would have a better life there than I have here. I’d get more pension and would also apply for social help. That’s what I got on Kela (finnish social insurance institution) Requirement: having a permanent home in Finland. For the guarantee pension I would need to have lived at least 3 years in Finland. And there comes my problem. From my invalid pension I can’t afford to pay rent for an apartment there. When I move to Helsinki, I won’t apply for german social help anymore so I would have only my invalid pension. I don’t know yet how Kela can help there, if they would help me. I will ask my finnish friends soon but also will go to Kela when I’m back in Helsinki to ask personally for what help I apply and if my benefits I have here (severely disabled ID card, nursing degree) will be recognized in Finland as well or if I would have to go through this all again.
Anyway, I will work for my dream!

Oh and about the service dog (Crowdfunding), if I get him until then, he will come with me of course. I’m going to need him there! 😉