So it’s Asexual Awareness Week again. First I like to talk about common misunderstandings about asexuality that are, sadly, even shared by asexuals, before I want to share some personal stories. CN for sexual speech!
“Asexuals don’t have a libido/desire to have sex!”
That is so, not correct. Asexuality is just the lack of sexual attraction. That feeling when allosexuals (non-asexual people) look at a certain person and think “Damn, that person is hot! I’d liked to get fucked by them!” That is what asexuals don’t have. That’s the real definition of asexuality.
Some asexuals also might have a libido, so the lust feeling and ability to get sexual aroused. That is different from sexual attraction.
“Asexuals don’t have sex/want sex/don’t masturbate!”
Like I mentioned above, asexuals can have a libido and the ability to get aroused. So an asexual person can masturbate to receive pleasure or have sex with their partner for many different reasons. Some might do it to please their partners, others even receive pleasure from it, others again do it to reproduce. All of them are still asexual.
“Asexuals don’t want relationships!”
Many asexuals do desire a romantic relationship. Asexuality is not the same as aromanticism, which is the lack of romantic attraction. Their romantic relationships might differ from allosexual folks when the asexual person don’t want a sexual component but that doesn’t make their relationship “platonic”. Ever had sex with a person without being in love with them? Yes? Well, that works the other way around too. One can love a person without desiring them sexually.
Now I want to talk about my own asexuality. I’m a so called gray-asexual: It happens very rarely to me that I find a person sexually attractive. Most people I look at are just meh. The term gray-asexual comes from that I’m in the grey area of sexuality. Theoretically I can experience sexual attraction but since it almost never happens and I mostly don’t desire to live out my sexuality with another human being, I identify as on the asexual spectrum. Jokingly I often say being gray-asexual is like Schrödinger’s cat: for the pure asexual community I often feel too sexual, where as for the allosexual community I don’t feel sexual enough.
I’m one of those asexuals who have a working libido, I can get aroused and like to watch porn and masturbate. That’s why I get upset if fellow asexuals say that being asexual means having no libido and no desire for sex. It might be the case for some asexuals but not for all!
In my past, I never wanted a relationship. I’m also aromantic. I never had the desire for a romantic relationship. But since I got shown that this is the lifegoal(TM) for everyone, and being told that my feelings I had for people were romantic instead of platonic as I always stated, I gave into the pressure. I thought, I was just confused, something is wrong with me, maybe the feelings will come after a while? To everyone out there struggling with these feelings, don’t give in what others tell you! You know yourself best! If you don’t have a desire for romantic relationships and/or sex, stay true to yourself! Don’t let others try to tell you what you “will want one day”!
In my relationships that I had, I just endured the sex because it was “neccessary” for a relationship. That’s not rue. I know better now. The only thing I enjoyed when getting sexual with my boyfriends, was when I could please them. When they wanted to give the favour back, I felt repulsed, sick to my stomach, disgusted. I couldn’t stand it at all. Now it also happens that I’m trans so I’m not sure if this feeling was caused by body dysphoria or if I’m truly sex repulsed. One can be sex repulsed by certain sex practices. For me it was getting touched, receiving sexual things, whereas giving was fine for me. But since I’m not craving a romantic relationship again, it doesn’t matter to me what causes my sex repulsion. Sometimes I’d like to find out if it’s better now since I’m transitioned but if I don’t find a trusting person anymore, I’m fine with staying abstinent and single until my death.
And that’s the most important: asexuals don’t suffer from being asexual. Therefor they shouldn’t be forced to try to “fix them” because there is nothing “to fix”. Asexuals are fine the way they are. Asexuals aren’t broken!