Autismus und Inklusion – Statement zu einem Artikel

Sehr gutes Statement!

Vieles von dem was du über Nachteilsausgleich geschrieben hast, durfte ich in meiner Schulzeit nutzen. Auch ohne Diagnose. Diagnosen die ich damals hatte, waren “psychische Störung” (wurde nicht näher bezeichnet, und später dann “soziale Phobie”. Ich hatte das Glück auf eine Integrationsschule gehen zu dürfen. Meine Lehrer haben schnell gemerkt, dass ich “anders” war. Zum Beispiel durfte ich im Unterricht leise über Kopfhörer Musik hören. Dadurch konnte ich mich besser konzentrieren und die Reizüberflutung mildern. Mündliche Aufgaben durfte ich oft schriftlich machen. Manche Lehrer waren damit nicht einverstanden aber meine Klassenlehrerin hatte da das letzte Wort. 

Auch bei Klassenarbeiten bekam ich die verlängerte Zeit, zusammen mit anderen behinderten Kindern. Oftmals habe ich sie nicht benötigt. Ein extra Raum wurde mir ebenfalls gestellt. Das Einzige was ich mir sonst noch gewünscht hätte, wäre ein ruhiger Raum wo ich allein die Pausen hätte verbringen dürfen.

Wegen der “Sonderbehandlung” wurde ich natürlich von den anderen Klassenkameraden gemobbt. Die wollten nicht verstehen warum ich keine mündliche Vorträge halten musste. Auch nach versuchtem Erklären der Lehrer. 

So alles im allen hatte ich echt verdammtes Glück mit der Schule, dass sie, auch ohne Autismus-Diagnose, auf meine Bedürfnisse eingegangen sind.

Fidget “Toys”

Fidget toys are “in”. What most people don’t know, they were created for people with ADHD, autism or anxiety disorders. It helps them to focus, relieving stress and anxiety. It helps them to get through the day.
A dear friend gave me a fidget cube. I immediately started to stim with it the day it arrived. Since I use it, I can cope better with the overload, it helps me to reduce the effects of overwhelming sensory stimuli.

That’s why it makes me mad if neurotypicals use them. There are not toys! There are not meant for you! Finally we have some attention on stimming and the aids we need and you have nothing better to do than to make fun of us with using them. If you don’t need fidget aids, don’t use them! You are taking it away from people who need it. In some schools they are already forbidden because neurotypical kids played around with them. The kid with ADHD has the same struggle again that they can’t focus the lesson. The autistic kid has the same struggle again that they can’t stim to cope the overload.

Would you use glasses without needing them? Would you use a cane or a wheelchair without needing it? No? Then why do you use fidget aids when you don’t need them? Just don’t do it. They are aids like a cane or a wheelchair, created to help actual disabled people to make their lives easier.

“You were so pretty before transition” isn’t a compliment!

Dear cis people,
Calling a transgender person’s before transition self pretty, beautiful or whatever is not a compliment! They hated their old self because it was something they are not. This can trigger dysphoria and severe depression.
Me personally, it makes me feel like a failure. When you say “but you were such a beautiful girl!” it translates to me “why have you wasted yourself?” “You should have tried harder to be a girl!” “I don’t care, you hated yourself. You should have appreciated it.”
15 years of my life I was this told day by day. That I should be happy to look like I did. That other women were jealous and “wished I looked like you”. That I was only depressed because “You never tried to be a real girl!” No, it’s not a fucking compliment! I don’t want to be reminded on my old self. It was so damn hard to break through that. To allow myself to be my real me. I know how sexy and beautiful I was. But this was not me! I wasn’t a girl. As much as you think I looked like one. I wasn’t a girl. Everytime I heard those “compliments” I got sad, depressed and started doubting myself. Maybe I really should try harder? Maybe I will get used to it? Maybe everyone is right and my feelings are wrong? Maybe I’m just crazy? It has almost killed me. The beginning to let my true self come out was damn hard. You can read my journey on this blog. I first came out as genderfluid because I was scared. Scared to let the girl I never was go. Scared to let my masculine side show through. I needed many months of screaming, crying and mourning about my old self. I know some people don’t like the metapher but for me it fits. This girl had to die so I could be me. I was mourning about her lost. But I needed this. I needed to say goodbye to my old self so I finally could be free. So no, I don’t want to hear how “pretty” I was. It throws me right back into the misery I was stuck for 15 years desperately trying to be the “beautiful girl” everyone saw in me. It wasn’t me!

Rockstars face sexism too!

Lately I feel more and more distant from “normal fans”. Those girls and women who see “their idol” only as an sex object. Then I read comments on Facebook and Twitter like “Maybe his pants will fall down?” , like happened to Lenny Kravitz on stage once? The whole world had seen and talked about his penis. Have you ever thought about how he felt there? He might have made a cool face, but do you really know if he wasn’t embarrassed? That he worried what his family would say about this mishap?
Or comments where you tell “your idol” how you would liked to be fucked by him? (Yes, I exactly had a comment like this on my Facebook fan-page I run dedicated to a befriended musician).

It is not “funny” to ask a rockstar on twitter “do you plan to bang someone hard tonight because you send so strong sexual energies.” I called this woman out on her behaviour and asked her, what she would say if a man would come to her and told her this. She would probably accuse him for sexual harassment. This woman completely ignored my question and said that “it was just a joke and he’ll probably laugh about it.” Yeah, he did. Retweeted her with a laughing emoji. But that’s not the point. The heavy disgusting sexism is the point! The contradictory in this is, that those women might fight against sexism in media. But then they don’t see their own produced sexism towards famous men?! How can that be? Ah yes! Because “men don’t face sexism.” So they probably think it’s not sexist to publicly speculate “how big the penis” of the lead singer of their favourite band is. This is disgusting! And disrespectful! Male celebrities are not there for your sick sexual fantasies! Those people are normal human beings like everyone else! They have families, mothers, brothers, children. Think about that before you comment on a post of your idol how much you would like to fuck him. Rockstars are not sex objects!

Maybe I’m not made for friends…

This post is kinda an addition to the one I wrote yesterday. The trigger for it was that a friend unfollowed me on instagram. Which is not his blame but it does triggers many things for me.
Ever since when a friend has left me again, I felt like it was my blame. I wasn’t interesting enough, haven’t showed enough what friend meant to me, haven’t shown enough interest in their lives or whatever.
Yesterday I fell in a dark hole again because of this. I feel worthless, boring, just not enough and that no one wants to be my friend anyway. The tactic I taught myself to cope with this: build a wall and be like “Okay, then I don’t want you either. I don’t need you.”
It’s hard for me to trust. Where shall I know that friend is serious with me? I always assume the worst. I was hurt too often.
I always feel like I have to give something special to make someone wanting to be my friend. And I don’t have anything. I can understand it; I am boring. I’m weird autistic and due to my chronic illness, my life is not special or interesting. Why should anyone wants to be friends with me?
I feel like, I want to give up on friendships. To only use social media now to promote my poetry and books. And not any further connections. Because why should I keep trying and getting hurt, when I can’t hold friends anyway?

I know, I actually should work this, but at the moment I don’t see a reason why. What sense does it make? Well, tomorrow I’m at my therapist again. I will talk with him about it.

(It seems I don’t even have spoons to talk about it properly.)

Friendships and autism

Making friends was always hard for me. And not only because I’m trans and rather wanted to play with the boys than the girls. But mostly because I’m autistic. I can’t read body language or facial expressions. When I was pre-school I visited a speech therapist, because I had pronouncing issues of certain letters just like “T”, “D”, “K” and “R”. Sometimes I even stumple over letters, speak too fast, or too silent and I was mutist (Selective mutism (SM) is an anxiety disorder in which a person who is normally capable of speech does not speak in specific situations or to specific people… Resource: Selective mutism-Wikipedia). At the speech therapist we also worked on recognizing facial expressions. I remember how she told my mum she should watch my behaviour because “it isn’t normal”. At this time autism was only known as Kanner autism (non-verbal, often in combination with an intelligence deficit) so it didn’t came up.
My autism made it very difficult to me to befriend people. When I was little I didn’t know how to go to a kid and start a talk. It was not like I was shy to ask. I didn’t know how to ask properly. Even though I watched them interacting with other kids, I couldn’t make up what those kids were doing different than me. It was their body language. Not only that I couldn’t read body language from others, I also don’t know what my body language shows. But it seems to be at least confusing for most people. Still today I notice how I often get weird glances from peoples in the street. And no, I don’t think it’s because of my punk style or cane. Because I do get those glances also when I’m at places where I shouldn’t stick out. But kids, and later teenagers, often told me that I was “arrogant, ignorant, selfish, heartless” etc. I don’t know what they mean. I always try to be a nice person but I always get misread.

Today I still struggle a lot to befriend people. I don’t know how it works. But I’m also a burnt child (idiom). So often I had “friends” who suddenly turned their back on me and never spoke to me again, or who pretended to be my friend only to tell nasty lies behind my back. I was bullied in school. Sometimes even physical. Because of all this, it’s very hard for me to open up to a person, to trust them and to share personal things. I’ve build a wall. I’m tired of getting betrayed and hurt. I don’t know who I can trust and who not.

Another big problem is, that I don’t need much socializing as told here. So friends often took it as “you just don’t want to”. And when I came back asking them how they were doing, I got “Now I’m good enough for you?” People don’t understand. It’s exhausting. Yes, I like to have friends but on the same moment, I don’t want to, because then I have to spend time with them so often. It’s a misery and I feel stuck.
But if I got interested in being someone’s friend, I also can get kinda clingy. As a kid I often was told I was annoying. But all I want is to show, how much I like the person and how much I want to be their friend. Another difficulty for me is, I can’t tell if the person really wants to be my friend if I’m not directly told. So I often keep trying and trying until the person is really pissed at me.
Friendships are fucking complicated for me. But maybe I’m not made for friends…