1 year 10 months on T

I am now really comfortable with my body. It is like I always had imagined it. So I lately I was thinking about if I would reduce my T dosage or even to completely go off of it. It feels like I reached my comfort level of masculinization. So a few days ago I made an experiemnt and I only creamed 50mg of testogel. Last year I increased my dosage to 75mg because I felt stuck in transition and my testo levels were a bit low. With 75mg I have a testo level like a cis man. Pretty high. So on the weekend I went down to 50mg again. And I felt… restless. Like I was missing something. I felt weird and a little depressed. Since I wasn’t sure if it was the testo or just the usual depression kicking in, I did my 50mg the next day too. But I kept feeling incomplete. So I then went back on my usual dosage of 75mg and oho, I immediately felt balanced again. I felt at peace and back on my usual level of energy and concentration. So it seems my body likes the 75mg more. I actually didn’t plan on going further in transition, yes I still want to grow a beard and not only the goatie that I have now, but usually I’d like more to stay androgyn and not to masculinize too much. But with the short experiment I learned that my body has different plans. My body likes the testosterone in my blood. And I do too. So back on my usual dosage and stick with it until my body tells me otherwise.

I don’t need more social contact

Yesterday I had a meeting with the social help, household help and autism assistance. We came to conclusion that I get a helper for household for 2h per week (which I find a bit less since for grocery shopping you need already an hour) and a testing period with the autism assistance to see how much and what support I need. So far so good. What has bothered me a lot during the conversation, is that they always said I should do this autism specific therapy to “remedy the social consequences of autism” and to “learn structures”. Well, I don’t need that! I can do plan things very fine. I just can’t do my household because of chronic pain! The guy from social help then said “Well, then you are wrong here because this would be a case for care.” Oh come on! Don’t pretend this is the first time you heard me saying this! From the first day when I made the application for ambulant assisted living I very clearly communicated what kind of help I do need! Even my therapist wrote a report what we have worked together and that selfcare, structures are not my problem!

About to “remedy the social consequences of autism”, it would be nice if you would listen to the actual autistic person! I told them several times that I do not want and need “more social contacts”. I am happy as the way it is. Their argument: 3 people say something different. They stick on the report from the (incompetend) doctor from social psychiatric service and the report from MDK and the last person from “help for care”. Again, listen to the actual autistic person! It might be that you as neurotypicals need a circle of friends and daily social contact, but that doesn’t mean that it will work for me too.

I’ve always been a loner. Since I was in kindergarden I never had desire and intentions to connect with other children and make friends. I was more happy to play alone; read a book or do a puzzle. 10 years ago I do had a circle of friends and it got so bad that one day I collapsed and vomitted. Just because of the overwhelming social stress. That was when I cut everyone out of my life. It was an act of selfcare. But people don’t understand it. In the past I got misdiagnosed with social phobia and was called an asshole and arrogant by so called friends, because of my loner behaviour.

I don’t have social phobia. I’m not afraid to go out and meet people. I find it super strenous, stressful and exhausting. Yesterday we were 5 people, including me and my mum, and talked for 30 minutes. In the end of the talk, I felt how my brain was shutting down. It got more and more strenous to follow and process the conversation and I got semiverbal so I only responded with “yes” and “no”. When I was back home I slept for 2h to recover from it. People are so draining. They literally suck my energy off very quickly. I’ve always been a person who has a need for a huge amount of alone time. It is perfectly satsfying for me to only meet my friends in person 1-2 times a year for a few hours. The rest of the time I love being home alone. It sucks and makes me sad and mad that neurotypicals don’t understand that I do not have the same huge desire to spend time with social contacts like they do. And I find it quite cross-border like to say that I have to need it like other people. It’s a shame that being an introvert and loner here is still seen as form of menatl illness. I do not need a cure. Or to “go out more and doing stuff with friends”. It’s exhausting and literally makes me physical sick. It also is poison for my tumour disease. Because stress makes it get worse.

I remember years ago when I had to go to the psychologist to get my invalid pension. She asked me if I “don’t get bored” if I’m staying home all day. I looked at her and said “I don’t understand the question.” I still don’t. Why should I get bored? I have enough to do here and am happy with my computer, books and TV. Why don’t people get this that I am happy being a loner?!

No Spam please

Once again an account sent me a comment to buy illegal Cannabis and Tilidin! Those drugs are now legal in Germany but they fall under the BtMG (Betäubungsmittelgesetz)! That means that they are only allowed to prescribe via specific doctors and have to be ordered at the drug store. To sell those drugs without prescription is illegal and very dangerous! Please, do not buy your drugs illegal! Especially if you are chronic pain patient. You don’t know what’s inside in those pills and they can damage you badly and irresponsible! If I get anymore such comments where I get suggested to go to a link to buy drugs illegal, I will report you! This shit is not ok!

Can’t sleep…

For about 2 weeks now I experience a pulling inflamed pain and cramps in my abdomen. It feels similar to menstrual pain. Since I’m not dealing with this shit anymore, I know it’s the tumour. The lymphangioma cysts in my intestine are bleeding again. It would also explain why I’m so heavily tired, weak and struggle with loss of appetite and nausea again. Last summer I had almost 70kg and now I’m down to 63kg. It must be the stress of the last months… Every time I get stressed out, the lymphangioma reacts to it. It starts growing, bleeding and I get more vulnerable for infects. 2 days ago I was at the hairdresser. Just that nothing more. And in the evening I got already a sore throat and nauseaous stomach cramps. Yesterday I spent the whole day in bed, and even today I still was mostly in bed because I felt too weak to get up. Fatigue syndrome. Caused by the bleeding cysts. Unfortunately I can’t do anything to help it. It’s 11pm here and I’m drinking a tea for stomach and intestine troubles. I also took one more of my Tilidin pills to at least keep the neuropathical pain under control. I hope I am able to sleep later.

A very tired and done-with-life


P.S. In Germany Cannabis just got legalized and I hope I soon can try it out if it helps me with the symptoms of the lymphangiom flare.