CN: suicide mention, surgeries, medical examinations
Lately I’m thinking about hysto again. I wanted this surgery since I was 15, and I can’t get it out of my head. I can’t live out my sex life because of it. No matter how long I’m on T, if I’m on birth control and use a condome, my brain still tells me “You have this organ so it’s possible to get pregnant.” And this would be a suicide reason for me. Having this organ completely blocks me.
A year ago, I thought it wasn’t possible. But on Tuesday I was in St. Joseph hospital in Berlin again because the last few weeks I experienced stronger abdominal pain. I haven’t had it this strong for ages. So I thought, it’s time for a check-up.
Good news: the doctor did an ultrasound scan of my whole abdomen (literally from bladder to up to my heart :D) The lymphangiom hasn’t grown. I only have two little cysts on my spleen, the biggest is 1,5cm. So it’s nothing to worry about.
But this also means that the abdominal cramps didn’t come from the lymphangiom. I told the doctor about my pain medication, that I was on Tilidin now for a while. He told me that Tilidin can lead to a restricted bowel movements. On Friday I was then at my pain doctor, gave him the pictures from the ultrasound and told him about the pain and what his colleague said. He prescribed me something that should help my intestine to work better. I still have abdominal pain but it has gotten better already.
When I was in hospital, I also asked the doctor about hysterectomy. (He knows I’m trans since I go there since I was a teenager.) He said, that it could be done. The surgeon just needs to know about the lymphangiom and be familiar with it. He explained to me how the lymphatic cysts usually work. I’m trying to explain. (It’s not easy in english.)
In healthy humans the lymphatic cysts heal themselves when they are hurt, like they close their wound and stop bleeding and pumping lymphatic liquid. In my disease this doesn’t work correct. The lymphatic cysts can’t heal themselves; they stay open and keep bleeding and pumping the lymphatic liquid into my body. This is what the surgeron needs to know. The doctor said that when I’ve found a surgeron, I can give him his contacts so he will advertise him on my disease.
But this is still future music. First I need to work on the PTSD or I don’t survive the surgery mantally well. That will need another few months/years I guess. I will talk to my therapist about it.
Mastectomy is now finally from the table. I had a dream about it, where I got mastec and it looked like nothing was gone, I had ugly scars and my nipples were destroyed. In my dream I said: “I’m doing this never again.” I take this as asign of my body that it doesn’t wants this surgery. Well, I don’t need it for myself anyway. I was just considering it because of the breast cancer risk. But in all, I really love my body how it is now.
I am now really comfortable with my body. It is like I always had imagined it. So I lately I was thinking about if I would reduce my T dosage or even to completely go off of it. It feels like I reached my comfort level of masculinization. So a few days ago I made an experiemnt and I only creamed 50mg of testogel. Last year I increased my dosage to 75mg because I felt stuck in transition and my testo levels were a bit low. With 75mg I have a testo level like a cis man. Pretty high. So on the weekend I went down to 50mg again. And I felt… restless. Like I was missing something. I felt weird and a little depressed. Since I wasn’t sure if it was the testo or just the usual depression kicking in, I did my 50mg the next day too. But I kept feeling incomplete. So I then went back on my usual dosage of 75mg and oho, I immediately felt balanced again. I felt at peace and back on my usual level of energy and concentration. So it seems my body likes the 75mg more. I actually didn’t plan on going further in transition, yes I still want to grow a beard and not only the goatie that I have now, but usually I’d like more to stay androgyn and not to masculinize too much. But with the short experiment I learned that my body has different plans. My body likes the testosterone in my blood. And I do too. So back on my usual dosage and stick with it until my body tells me otherwise.
So I thought I post some comparison pics of me since it’s been a while. Testosterone is still changing much and working hard in my body. It has made me really happy so far. I got more fluffy hair on my legs and chin. Unfortunately the facial hair is still too fluffy to capture it on a picture 😀
Also testosterone has done a lot to my chest. When I’m laying on m back there’s almost no breast tissue to see anymore, which makes me super happy and let’s me believe that soon I can go shirtless in public without anyone to think that I was “actually a girl”. My goal is that I can get seen as a man with gynecomastia.In the pictures you also can tell how much my face has changed. It’s incredible. Finally I don’t look like a little kid no more lol And almost like my age!
So the summer is back in Germany. And with it the desire to want to go swimming. Sadly I haven’t made it yet. I wish I could say it was because of my disease and the chronic pain that kept me in bed for several days. Or the stress with changing all the papers after my name/gender change, but to be honestly, I scare to go swimming. I scare because my body doesn’t look “cis-appropriate”. I’m afraid to get stared at, to get insulted, harrassed. With words but also physically. I’m scared I will get misgendered, called a girl or to hear that “this dude has tits like a girl”. And Now I wonder if this is how cis-men with gynecomastia feel like…
I’d loved to go to the Havel swimming, but I don’t dare. I know that they are swimming shirts for trans-people like me, but I don’t see why I should need to cover up and hide my body when actually nothing is wrong with it? It’s society that has a problem with people who do not look “appropriate”. That kinda feels like fat-shaming for me. Like bigger people are told they should not wear a bikini/go to the lake because society thinks it looks disgusting.
So what can I do to solve my problem? Working on my self-esteem I think.
I think, it would be much easier for me if I would have a bunch of friends in my back who would strengthen me if anyone says something about my chest to me. But unfortunately I’m all alone here…
Some good news: I got a letter from the court about my name and gender change. I am now officially Luka Jesse Meindl and sex/gender male! (There is only one word in german for gender/sex) Although I am actually genderneutral, I really like the fact to be now legally male in front of the german law. It was a compromise because in german law only exist male and female. And I rather be seen as male than female.
Actually it was yesterday, but I was too tired to post. I spent the day with my mum and her boyfriend in their garden making a little barbecue. It’s been a pretty good day 🙂
Happy 1st Manniversary to me!!! 😀 This is a very special date to me now. Because I literally was reborn this day a year ago.
Can’t believe it’s been already a whole year since I started with testosterone. And it was the best decision I ever made! I literally love every single hair I’ve grown on my body so far haha ❤
Since the day I started T, every day I recognized myself a little more. In the mirror, from my voice and deep down in me.
I am more than happy to finally be able to live as the person I am. No more hiding, no more thinking if I’m going crazy.
One of my dear friends told me in the beginning of my transition that it will be an “amazing adventure” that not everyone gets to experience and I should enjoy every moment of it. He was so right! And I really did! I enjoyed every second of this second puberty that was given to me. And yes, also amazing things have happenend. I have definitely grown as a person. It was difficult in the beginning to find out where I do belong, and to understand that there are more than two genders. That I really can live as neither, just being that neutral person I always have felt like. But since my childhood I was told that I have to decide between girl and boy. So I first choose the boy, because that was closer to my real me than being a straight girl.
With excitement I’m looking forward to the next few years on T. I know it still can happen/change much.
Happy Birthday to me!!!
And a #comparison pic! Way Pre-T and now! 😁 Proud to became a cute gay punk dude 😎 Please DO NOT comment how “beautiful” I was before transition!!! Or anything like this! This makes me EXTREMELY uncomfortable!!!
Some time ago I talked about dating as aromantic. I am still using an app for it. Now it happens that I notice how difficult dating gets when you are disabled and transgender.
In the first week many guys sent me messages, asking me out about sex dates. It’s sad (and annoying) how much transgender people are viewed as fetish in gay community. Many gay men thought, “there I can fuck a pussy without feeling bad about my orientation because it wasn’t woman”. That’s the feeling I always got when I received such messages. Or from bisexual men who want to experiment with men because they never had before and think a trans person would be a good compromise. When it comes about bi men, I often have the feeling that they do not see me as the person I am. More like “You are not a real woman, not a real man.” It feels like they see me as a mixture of both although myself see me as neither.
If this wasn’t complicated enough to deal with, it happens that I am disabled and chronicall ill too. People often have a big problem with it. My ex had. Often he complained about that we don’t go out often, or when we were going out, that we had to leave soon because of my pain. I remember one situation where we had a huge fight because I told him that I was in pain and had to leave from a friends birthday party although we just arrived. He yelled at me that I always get pain when we are out and that he didn’t want to leave now. He told me, if I want to leave I’d should go alone home. So I told him that I would if I would still capable to walk alone. But my pain was so intense that I could barely stand. Our close friend then jumped in for me and said to my ex, if he doesn’t want to bring me home now, he will do so.
Another fight with my ex started when I needed his help. Like when I couldn’t get out of the bathtub on my own no more, or needed special treatment for my hurting hip. He once yelled at me that he wasn’t my nurse! I got so mad at him! Yelled back, that he knew I was disabled and so should have count on that I need his help in some situations!
That’s why I mentioned in my profile on this app that I was not only transgender but also chronically ill and disabled. (Haven’t mentioned my autism yet because many people do not even know what it means.) So I only get messages from guys who are aware of it and possibly can deal with it. I do not need a partner, who always complains about chronic illness and disability. Or someone who shows me his compassion all the time. I do not need nor do I want that! I live with my disabilty and illness for so many years already, I can deal with it! I learned how to live with it. Yes, sometimes I cry about it when my pain gets so intense I feel like dying. But I do not want any compassion. Sometimes I just need to let it out. And then I only want someone who tries everthing to make me feel better. Who will make me hot tea, massage my hurting body parts, helps me with having a relaxing bath and makes me healthy food and so on. Who’s just a loving partner.
And if you can not be like that, if you can not deal with it, then better don’t date someone with disability and chronic illness!