Why I’m scared before a gig (PTSD)

Another PTSD thing. So actually I have two different traumas. This one happened to me around 2008.

I wanted to go to see my favourite band HIM. It was my first gig ever and I didn’t want to go alone. So I asked in forum if anyone near to me was going too and if I might join them. Also I mentioned that I was disabled and would need some support.
So I met this girl, I can’t remember her name anymore, at the train station and we went together to the venue. Had to wait an hour or so before the gates opened. So it got more crowdy behind us until we were in the middle of a crowd. Again I mentioned my disability and asked if we could go to the side or let the fans run in first. She refused because she wanted to be in the first row. She told me “to run” when the gates open and I told her again that I was disabled and couldn’t run. Her response: “then just hobble!” I stared at her with open mouth. I couldn’t believe her ignorance! I tried to find a way out of the crowd, but on the ground were empty bottles that fans just had thrown away. Then the gates opened and the horror began. Fans started to run inside, I was pushed, stumbled a few meters before I fell over a fucking bottle and hit the ground. Fans kept running inside, were jumping over me, their feet hit the ground only centimeters away from my face. The only thought that was running through my mind was: “You’re going to die now.” Suddenly I was grabbed and carried to the side, someone helped me up and asked me something. I needed seconds to realize it was the security. I tried to sort my mind and replied to his question if I was okay with “I don’t know.” Maybe he hasn’t heard me or my voice broke, he asked me again. “I think so”. I said this time trying to sound like I mean it. With a last brief look at me, he said: “Then walk slowly.” And I stumbled inside, I found a seat, sat down and began shaking. My whole body was a shake. The security guy hasn’t really checked on me if I was injured. He didn’t even noticed how I had a shock. It seemed like he didn’t care about my safety at all.
I don’t remember anything from the gig anymore. I still have nightmares from this event and before every gig I attend to, I go through the same panic again. I feel sick to my stomach and shake.

Last gigs I wrote emails to the hall managers, asking for safety support, told them this story. From one I didn’t even got a reply. The other one was nice and promised to give me safe place, but when I was there, I felt like the security didn’t take me or my disability serious. I was stared at during the whole gig, saw how one of them talked to the guy at the backstage door that he should watch me and kick me from my place in case another wheelchair user would arrive. The other gig was in Helsinki, and it got so crowdy that I got a panic attack again. I couldn’t breathe, it was hot and felt like I would collaps. I couldn’t really sit because fans were standing on the bench, and standing myself caused me huge pain.

As much as I love going to gigs, I wish organizers and security people would be better educated about disabled people. They only think: disabled=wheelchair user. And that’s very problematic for those of us who don’t use a wheelchair, where you might not be able to tell their disability, and way too often they assume that “it can’t be that bad” or that I’m “not really severe disabled” because I’m a young punk guy with a cane.
Dear concert organizers and security guys, trust me when I say I need a safe place, away from crowd and a seat because I can’t stand for longer time. I’m in no way asking/trying to get “special VIP-treatment” or some shit. I just want to be able to actually enjoy a concert at a safe place!

To be honest, this situations made me question if I will go to a gig ever again. Because I don’t feel safe and I can’t deal with this ableistic shit no more.


Halloween in Hel (backview 2014)

CN Suicide mention

I haven’t talked about this event yet although it was one of the most formative ones that helped me to become the person I am today. Thanks to my almost photographically memory I still remmeber it with much details.
A week before my trip, I was talking with one of my finnish friends in messenger, mentioned that I thought I was transgender. When I was the first time in Helsinki in 2013 I lived for 10 days with her and her mum. So we spent much time together and she told me that I could talk about everything with her. After I told her I got no reply. Just a day before my flight she messaged me back telling me she had “internet problems” and how she was looking forward to meet me soon. We wanted to meet up in this bar where my musician friend would be DJing. I don’t talk about him much because some fans have accused me of lying. Well, I couldn’t care less. I know what happened.
So I was at the bar a bit early so I took a table, waiting for my friends to appear. The night got later and my female friend didn’t show up. I texted her but got no reply. She had let me down. I was pissed. If she had a problem with me being trans, she could have just told me. But she pretended to looking forward seeing me and leaving me there hurt. (This night when I was back at my hotel I came out to all my friends on Facebook. She was the only one who unfriended me and even blocked me!)
My other friend I have noticed in a corner with some of his friends and girlfriend. Since we just barely knew us I decided to stay at my table because I didn’t want to bother him. But he noticed me quickly. When he went to the bar or kitchen, he always stopped at my place to casually chat with me. Every time he passed me, he stopped by to check on me. He noticed that something was wrong. So when it was time for him to start as DJ he stopped by again with his girlfriend on his side, asking me if I want to come with them outside smoking. I thought about my asthma and told him that I needed to go to the bathroom. He told me that I could join their table when I was back so I didn’t had to spent the night alone. Introvert as I am, I still was a bit afraid I would bother him but I choose a table next to theirs.
When the night got later and the bar emptier, he came to me again, asking me if I was ok. I said “yes” but he didn’t believe me so he kept asking if “really everything was ok”. I couldn’t speak. My eyes went to his girlfriend watching us and I decided that it wasn’t the right time to tell him. How could I anyway? At this time, I wasn’t understanding myself if I really was trans and how should I have explained?
I was standing in front of him with tears in my eyes. He saw my inner struggle and did the only right thing to do. He grabbed me and pulled me fast but gently on to his chest, held me in his arms for a long time, caressing my back. I fought the tears and a silent sigh came out of my mouth. I don’t know if he heard it but I don’t care. It was an very emotional moment. Over his shoulder I looked to his girlfriend who was standing on their table, watching us with a light smile and I heard a caring “Aaawww” from her. She was touched too. When he let me out of his arms, he looked me in the eye and told me that I should “take good care” of myself “until we see us next time”. I promised him but he still gave me this big-brother-look so I mentioned that I had promised this already to a dear mutual friend of us both and then he accepted my promise.
During the night there were also a good friend of him who was also a musician. He introduced me to him and mentioned the fanpage I’m running. He thanked me much for doing such a good job. I thanked him back for always caring so much about me. Every time we see he asks what’s going on in my life and how I’m doing. Even if I’m not in good shape, he tries everything to cheer me up. His answer was “Yes of course I care! We’re friends!” I was a bit shocked by his words since we didn’t had deep long conversations yet but I also felt honored that he sees me as friend.
When I was about to leave, I had to take stairs down and stood for a second at the edge. My dear friend, caring as he is, called over to me if I needed his help to get down. I told him it was ok that I just needed time but he kept watching me until I was safe down. So nice!
It was the best decision to spent this night with him. To be honest this time I was very suicidal. I was already thinking about when to kill myself. That’s why I decided to go to Helsinki. I needed distraction from these thoughts. This night I have might lost a friend but I also gained a new better friend. Seriously, if you are reading this some day, your brotherly hug has rescued my life! Without you being so persistent of asking if I really was ok and almost not wanting to let me go, I’m not sure if I still would be alive. Thank you very much. I love you.

I’ll never forget this night.

(I have the feeling I wrote about this once before but can’t find it at the moment)

Edit: If you notice a friend might be suicidal, asking is fine! Like me, they might not be able to talk about their problems, that has nothing to do with that they don’t trust you or something, but it shows them that you care. Although I couldn’t open up to my friend, as much as I wished, but that he hugged me, asked several times and told me to take care, meant so much to me! I felt very lonely and even though friends told me that they cared about me, I thought they are just nice but didn’t really mean it. I haven’t espected him to care so much about me, he completely surprised me with his hug and the kind words. But then I knew, it was true. My friends do cared about me! So if you have a suicidal friend, don’t give up! Tell them, show them as much and as often that you care, how much you care! One day they will believe you.

Music and friends

Some people seem to think that you can’t befriend musicians. I don’t know why they think so. I’ve been friends with musicians since my 20s. When I got into the local punk scene, I’ve met some interesting people, some of them were musicians. They had their band and played gigs. They weren’t really famous but enough in the scene to tour parts of Germany.
When I first met them and started to hang out with them, I felt like I have found my kind of people. I hang around in bars with them, backstage, we talked about music and songwriting. Some nights we were sitting together discussing about lyrics and we helped each other find a solution that would work with a song or a poem. I was home.
The only thing that bothered me was when they confessed me that they had a crush on me. I was seeing them as brothers but they only saw my shell.
Once my girl friend came to me totally excited she told me how the bassist from ‘Loco’ (a local punk band) had a crush on me. I was like “Uhm I know?” She kept on telling me how cool this was that a musician liked me! I didn’t get why this was considered to be special. I knew the guy well. He was a friend and my neighbor.
Being a musician was never something special to me. I don’t mean that I give a shit about their job or that I don’t respect them. I just can’t get why being a musician was considered to be so more special than any other job.
I enjoyed being friends with musicians because I love creative people. Creative people are most often very interesting people.
During my life it seemed as if I was a “rockstar-magnet”. Somehow I always ended up being friends with or becoming the romantic partner of a musician. Every time I was out in bars, some dude would come to me and try to hit on me. Many, many musicians I told that I wasn’t interested. Because I never was interested in that kind of relationship. So it was very resfreshing when in a hot summer night I met a rockstar who treated me like a dear friend. I just got to know about him and his band the day before from a friend, so I just started talking with him about his musician life. We talked about songwriting and tour life, and he recommend a band to me that he was friends with. It was a very nice experience. On both sides. Because it felt like he was happy to finally meet someone who wasn’t going all crazy fangirling about his person. We were just two strangers who shared the love for music.
This fangirly stuff was never my cup of tea. When fangirls put “their stars” on a high podest and praise them like they were gods. Or even worse: when they reduce them and see them only as a sex object and keep telling this to them through social media. This makes me nauseous.
When my Instagram, that is now private, was public, I had some fangirlies follow me who liked the same band as I do. Once I posted a photo of a t-shirt that was given to me by the drummer of our fav band, and she immediately was freaking out over it. “Omg, that is so cool! He gave this to you as a gift? Do you know him personally?” Girl, calm down. I was just at an event, where he and his collague were giving merchandise away. It was just a small ‘Thank you’ from him for the work I do on a fanpage dedicated to him. Nothing special.
Some other incidents happened so I got more and more reserved and almost never mentioned him. Fans always turned it into a weird direction. One girl asked me in a private message “What kind of relationship” I had to him. Or accused me I would “boast” with him being my friend. If people think this, it’s your perspective. Because I don’t put him on a high podest, I treat him as the acquaintance he is. I know that I’m not a close friend, best friend, brother or whatever. But I do know that we are friends. Because he told me and shows me every time we meet.
If you make your favourite musicians into some kind of god, don’t wonder if they see you just as a fangirl rather than a friend that they can trust.

Friendship: It’s not about the amount of time spent together,
but about the quality one shared together. – LJ Meindl

In an older post I talked already about  How I define friendship. That it’s not important to speak daily and see each other at least once a week. When you are friends with musicians this isn’t also possible. They are mostly busy, working on new music, recordings, touring. I have friends that I haven’t spoken for over 6 months but once in a while one of us reaches out to the other and just be like “Hey! How have you been?” and we just start talking where we stopped last time. I love that!

Rockstars face sexism too!

Lately I feel more and more distant from “normal fans”. Those girls and women who see “their idol” only as an sex object. Then I read comments on Facebook and Twitter like “Maybe his pants will fall down?” , like happened to Lenny Kravitz on stage once? The whole world had seen and talked about his penis. Have you ever thought about how he felt there? He might have made a cool face, but do you really know if he wasn’t embarrassed? That he worried what his family would say about this mishap?
Or comments where you tell “your idol” how you would liked to be fucked by him? (Yes, I exactly had a comment like this on my Facebook fan-page I run dedicated to a befriended musician).

It is not “funny” to ask a rockstar on twitter “do you plan to bang someone hard tonight because you send so strong sexual energies.” I called this woman out on her behaviour and asked her, what she would say if a man would come to her and told her this. She would probably accuse him for sexual harassment. This woman completely ignored my question and said that “it was just a joke and he’ll probably laugh about it.” Yeah, he did. Retweeted her with a laughing emoji. But that’s not the point. The heavy disgusting sexism is the point! The contradictory in this is, that those women might fight against sexism in media. But then they don’t see their own produced sexism towards famous men?! How can that be? Ah yes! Because “men don’t face sexism.” So they probably think it’s not sexist to publicly speculate “how big the penis” of the lead singer of their favourite band is. This is disgusting! And disrespectful! Male celebrities are not there for your sick sexual fantasies! Those people are normal human beings like everyone else! They have families, mothers, brothers, children. Think about that before you comment on a post of your idol how much you would like to fuck him. Rockstars are not sex objects!

Personal Hell (poetry)

Personal Hell

I hate the noise,
I hate the lights,
but music is
what led me here.
I’m longing for to see you
just one more time.

I go through
my personal hell
through the pain and endless darkness
for you.

I’ll go through
this personal hell
to feel the fire in my heart
for you.

I feel so restless, so fucking scared
but your music makes me
smile again,
and I’m in heaven.

And, I go through
my personal hell
– through the pain and endless darkness
for you, I’ll go through
this personal hell
to feel the fire in my heart
for you.

Dedicated to The 69 Eyes.

Music (Poetry)


Music, is what I need
to survive.

In the morning
to wake me up
and let the nightmares fade.

It brings me through the day,
is my shield against the loud world.

It soothes me,
when I’m in pain
and wait for the painkiller to help.

It’s my lullaby
for the night.

Music, is what I need
to survive.

22.09.16 © LJ Meindl All rights reserved.

Happy Birthday Jussi 69! (Poetry)

Happy Birthday Jussi!

You are a
Child of the Sun,
always smiling
and having fun.

For your birthday, my dear,
I wish you lots of beer.

And many new adventures to discover,
perhaps with a sweet love.
Your heart deserves much romance,
so better don’t miss a chance.

But mostly, I wish you health,
because that’s the biggest wealth.

May your birthday party be long,
but the hangover next morning not too strong.

Happy birthday, you crazy drummer
and have a nice summer!

11.07.16 © LJ Meindl All rights reserved.