CN Suicide mention
I haven’t talked about this event yet although it was one of the most formative ones that helped me to become the person I am today. Thanks to my almost photographically memory I still remmeber it with much details.
A week before my trip, I was talking with one of my finnish friends in messenger, mentioned that I thought I was transgender. When I was the first time in Helsinki in 2013 I lived for 10 days with her and her mum. So we spent much time together and she told me that I could talk about everything with her. After I told her I got no reply. Just a day before my flight she messaged me back telling me she had “internet problems” and how she was looking forward to meet me soon. We wanted to meet up in this bar where my musician friend would be DJing. I don’t talk about him much because some fans have accused me of lying. Well, I couldn’t care less. I know what happened.
So I was at the bar a bit early so I took a table, waiting for my friends to appear. The night got later and my female friend didn’t show up. I texted her but got no reply. She had let me down. I was pissed. If she had a problem with me being trans, she could have just told me. But she pretended to looking forward seeing me and leaving me there hurt. (This night when I was back at my hotel I came out to all my friends on Facebook. She was the only one who unfriended me and even blocked me!)
My other friend I have noticed in a corner with some of his friends and girlfriend. Since we just barely knew us I decided to stay at my table because I didn’t want to bother him. But he noticed me quickly. When he went to the bar or kitchen, he always stopped at my place to casually chat with me. Every time he passed me, he stopped by to check on me. He noticed that something was wrong. So when it was time for him to start as DJ he stopped by again with his girlfriend on his side, asking me if I want to come with them outside smoking. I thought about my asthma and told him that I needed to go to the bathroom. He told me that I could join their table when I was back so I didn’t had to spent the night alone. Introvert as I am, I still was a bit afraid I would bother him but I choose a table next to theirs.
When the night got later and the bar emptier, he came to me again, asking me if I was ok. I said “yes” but he didn’t believe me so he kept asking if “really everything was ok”. I couldn’t speak. My eyes went to his girlfriend watching us and I decided that it wasn’t the right time to tell him. How could I anyway? At this time, I wasn’t understanding myself if I really was trans and how should I have explained?
I was standing in front of him with tears in my eyes. He saw my inner struggle and did the only right thing to do. He grabbed me and pulled me fast but gently on to his chest, held me in his arms for a long time, caressing my back. I fought the tears and a silent sigh came out of my mouth. I don’t know if he heard it but I don’t care. It was an very emotional moment. Over his shoulder I looked to his girlfriend who was standing on their table, watching us with a light smile and I heard a caring “Aaawww” from her. She was touched too. When he let me out of his arms, he looked me in the eye and told me that I should “take good care” of myself “until we see us next time”. I promised him but he still gave me this big-brother-look so I mentioned that I had promised this already to a dear mutual friend of us both and then he accepted my promise.
During the night there were also a good friend of him who was also a musician. He introduced me to him and mentioned the fanpage I’m running. He thanked me much for doing such a good job. I thanked him back for always caring so much about me. Every time we see he asks what’s going on in my life and how I’m doing. Even if I’m not in good shape, he tries everything to cheer me up. His answer was “Yes of course I care! We’re friends!” I was a bit shocked by his words since we didn’t had deep long conversations yet but I also felt honored that he sees me as friend.
When I was about to leave, I had to take stairs down and stood for a second at the edge. My dear friend, caring as he is, called over to me if I needed his help to get down. I told him it was ok that I just needed time but he kept watching me until I was safe down. So nice!
It was the best decision to spent this night with him. To be honest this time I was very suicidal. I was already thinking about when to kill myself. That’s why I decided to go to Helsinki. I needed distraction from these thoughts. This night I have might lost a friend but I also gained a new better friend. Seriously, if you are reading this some day, your brotherly hug has rescued my life! Without you being so persistent of asking if I really was ok and almost not wanting to let me go, I’m not sure if I still would be alive. Thank you very much. I love you.
I’ll never forget this night.
(I have the feeling I wrote about this once before but can’t find it at the moment)
Edit: If you notice a friend might be suicidal, asking is fine! Like me, they might not be able to talk about their problems, that has nothing to do with that they don’t trust you or something, but it shows them that you care. Although I couldn’t open up to my friend, as much as I wished, but that he hugged me, asked several times and told me to take care, meant so much to me! I felt very lonely and even though friends told me that they cared about me, I thought they are just nice but didn’t really mean it. I haven’t espected him to care so much about me, he completely surprised me with his hug and the kind words. But then I knew, it was true. My friends do cared about me! So if you have a suicidal friend, don’t give up! Tell them, show them as much and as often that you care, how much you care! One day they will believe you.