So, in my last blog post I told you that I was thinking about to fet a service dog. Today someone came for a consultation appointment. He told me many many stuff that I still have to process. But it was very nice and positive. He said that nothing speaks against for a service dog. He also liked that I live at a forest so I don’t need to walk far to let the dog go run.
On the weekend he will send me a cost estimate for the dog and the training. He said it will be between 6000€-14000€. That’s a lot of money! Especially for me as someone who gets invalid pension. So I’m thinking about to make a crowdfunding on leetchi or something. Also I can try to contact sponsores.
If you want to support me already (I need money for medications) you can send me some via PayPal. Every Euro helps!
You can also buy my book “Black & White” : Amazon or from Epubli.
I really hope I can get the money together so I can soon get my service dog 🙂
I think I haven’t told yet that I started to work with M. from autism assistance. We went together to the hairdresser twice, gladly by car so I didn’t had the stress with using public transportation. It went all fine and he was very curious about me being trans, so I explained some things to him. He was asking very respectfully and got it quite good what being transgender means.
Yesterday we were at the hairdresser again and there was a woman with a baby. It was very hot so the baby of course made some noise. M. asked me if I had my stimming cube with me but this time I left it at home because I thought I won’t need it for a quick visit. After the hairdresser we went together for grocery shopping. I needed drinks, packages of water and ricemilk. Since he was with his car, I used the chance. Otherwise I would have to order it online and have to pay delivery costs. So I saved some money. But it was super strenouns day. So back home I slept kinda 2h and went to bed at only 19:30pm.
Next week we meet again and make a plan with all the things I want to do with him. Like going swimming, creating a household plan, trying drumming and so on.
Meanwhile because of my depression caused by feeling helpless and useless when I’m in a bad shape, my therapist suggested I should get myself a dog again. I really do miss having a dog with me and think it’s a pretty good idea. My pain doctor would see it the same way, I think, because he often tells me that I should move more and also go for a walk when I’m actually not feeling so well. It’s a devils circle. When I’m in moderate pain and I actually would like to go out, I immediately think that outside is often stressful for me, that my pain will increase when I walk too much, so I always don’t go out. A dog will break this bad habit, because he *must* go out.
Also problematic for me is that in the last past ten years my walking got worse. I often feel very insecure on my legs, even with cane, especially when little dogs come barking running to me, I fear that they will jump on me or run between my legs or attack my cane. This is huge dangerous scenario for me because this will most likely bring me to fall.
I knew they were service dogs for people with wheelchairs or epilepsie and so on. While researching I discovered mobility service dogs. Those dogs wear a special harness where one can find stability. You can even use this to stand up from seats and to help with taking stairs. Here you can see such a service dog who helps a young girl walk:
Service dog Rocky – child mobility/balance
In this video you can see how a mobility service dog helps in various situations:
Collies for Mobility and Support Assistance
I’m really curious if this would work for me, because it would give me much freedom back. Because of my paralysed leg and that it has happened often that I couldn’t get off a seat in public transportation, and need help to enter and leave train, bus, tram, I only leave my home with my mum. Which is, of course, a not so nice feeling. It makes me feel dependent. Like when it’s a nice day, I’m feeling good and would like to take the bus to a park or shopping centre, I always have to ask if she has time to come with me. Or when I need to spontanously buy food. I can’t go alone because I don’t trust my legs no more.
With a mobility service dog and the special harness it might be possible to do these things alone again. That would be awesome! I would be more idependent, gain self-worth and self-confidence.
I emailed a school for service dogs and am waiting now for a consultation appointment to see if I fit the requirements for a service dog. Unfortunately the training to become a service dog is very expensive and I have to see how to get money. The school says on their homepage that they help with finding sponsors and assist with crowdfunding and so on. I hope it will be possible so it doesn’t stay a dream.
Why don’t you see me?
I’m standing right next to you.
But you talk with your friends
and I am out.
It’s like, I’m invisible.
People see through me;
Pretend, I’m not there.
What can I do,
to be seen and heard?
Your affection never last long.
If you meet someone else,
I am forgotten.
Do I even mean anything to you?
It’s like, I’m invisible.
People see through me;
Pretend, I’m not there.
What can I do,
to be included?
Always I’m left out;
Why? I don’t know.
I just want to belong.
© LJ Meindl 11.07.17 All rights reserved.
This post is kinda an addition to the one I wrote yesterday. The trigger for it was that a friend unfollowed me on instagram. Which is not his blame but it does triggers many things for me.
Ever since when a friend has left me again, I felt like it was my blame. I wasn’t interesting enough, haven’t showed enough what friend meant to me, haven’t shown enough interest in their lives or whatever.
Yesterday I fell in a dark hole again because of this. I feel worthless, boring, just not enough and that no one wants to be my friend anyway. The tactic I taught myself to cope with this: build a wall and be like “Okay, then I don’t want you either. I don’t need you.”
It’s hard for me to trust. Where shall I know that friend is serious with me? I always assume the worst. I was hurt too often.
I always feel like I have to give something special to make someone wanting to be my friend. And I don’t have anything. I can understand it; I am boring. I’m weird autistic and due to my chronic illness, my life is not special or interesting. Why should anyone wants to be friends with me?
I feel like, I want to give up on friendships. To only use social media now to promote my poetry and books. And not any further connections. Because why should I keep trying and getting hurt, when I can’t hold friends anyway?
I know, I actually should work this, but at the moment I don’t see a reason why. What sense does it make? Well, tomorrow I’m at my therapist again. I will talk with him about it.
(It seems I don’t even have spoons to talk about it properly.)
Making friends was always hard for me. And not only because I’m trans and rather wanted to play with the boys than the girls. But mostly because I’m autistic. I can’t read body language or facial expressions. When I was pre-school I visited a speech therapist, because I had pronouncing issues of certain letters just like “T”, “D”, “K” and “R”. Sometimes I even stumple over letters, speak too fast, or too silent and I was mutist (Selective mutism (SM) is an anxiety disorder in which a person who is normally capable of speech does not speak in specific situations or to specific people… Resource: Selective mutism-Wikipedia). At the speech therapist we also worked on recognizing facial expressions. I remember how she told my mum she should watch my behaviour because “it isn’t normal”. At this time autism was only known as Kanner autism (non-verbal, often in combination with an intelligence deficit) so it didn’t came up.
My autism made it very difficult to me to befriend people. When I was little I didn’t know how to go to a kid and start a talk. It was not like I was shy to ask. I didn’t know how to ask properly. Even though I watched them interacting with other kids, I couldn’t make up what those kids were doing different than me. It was their body language. Not only that I couldn’t read body language from others, I also don’t know what my body language shows. But it seems to be at least confusing for most people. Still today I notice how I often get weird glances from peoples in the street. And no, I don’t think it’s because of my punk style or cane. Because I do get those glances also when I’m at places where I shouldn’t stick out. But kids, and later teenagers, often told me that I was “arrogant, ignorant, selfish, heartless” etc. I don’t know what they mean. I always try to be a nice person but I always get misread.
Today I still struggle a lot to befriend people. I don’t know how it works. But I’m also a burnt child (idiom). So often I had “friends” who suddenly turned their back on me and never spoke to me again, or who pretended to be my friend only to tell nasty lies behind my back. I was bullied in school. Sometimes even physical. Because of all this, it’s very hard for me to open up to a person, to trust them and to share personal things. I’ve build a wall. I’m tired of getting betrayed and hurt. I don’t know who I can trust and who not.
Another big problem is, that I don’t need much socializing as told here. So friends often took it as “you just don’t want to”. And when I came back asking them how they were doing, I got “Now I’m good enough for you?” People don’t understand. It’s exhausting. Yes, I like to have friends but on the same moment, I don’t want to, because then I have to spend time with them so often. It’s a misery and I feel stuck.
But if I got interested in being someone’s friend, I also can get kinda clingy. As a kid I often was told I was annoying. But all I want is to show, how much I like the person and how much I want to be their friend. Another difficulty for me is, I can’t tell if the person really wants to be my friend if I’m not directly told. So I often keep trying and trying until the person is really pissed at me.
Friendships are fucking complicated for me. But maybe I’m not made for friends…
Yesterday I had a meeting with the social help, household help and autism assistance. We came to conclusion that I get a helper for household for 2h per week (which I find a bit less since for grocery shopping you need already an hour) and a testing period with the autism assistance to see how much and what support I need. So far so good. What has bothered me a lot during the conversation, is that they always said I should do this autism specific therapy to “remedy the social consequences of autism” and to “learn structures”. Well, I don’t need that! I can do plan things very fine. I just can’t do my household because of chronic pain! The guy from social help then said “Well, then you are wrong here because this would be a case for care.” Oh come on! Don’t pretend this is the first time you heard me saying this! From the first day when I made the application for ambulant assisted living I very clearly communicated what kind of help I do need! Even my therapist wrote a report what we have worked together and that selfcare, structures are not my problem!
About to “remedy the social consequences of autism”, it would be nice if you would listen to the actual autistic person! I told them several times that I do not want and need “more social contacts”. I am happy as the way it is. Their argument: 3 people say something different. They stick on the report from the (incompetend) doctor from social psychiatric service and the report from MDK and the last person from “help for care”. Again, listen to the actual autistic person! It might be that you as neurotypicals need a circle of friends and daily social contact, but that doesn’t mean that it will work for me too.
I’ve always been a loner. Since I was in kindergarden I never had desire and intentions to connect with other children and make friends. I was more happy to play alone; read a book or do a puzzle. 10 years ago I do had a circle of friends and it got so bad that one day I collapsed and vomitted. Just because of the overwhelming social stress. That was when I cut everyone out of my life. It was an act of selfcare. But people don’t understand it. In the past I got misdiagnosed with social phobia and was called an asshole and arrogant by so called friends, because of my loner behaviour.
I don’t have social phobia. I’m not afraid to go out and meet people. I find it super strenous, stressful and exhausting. Yesterday we were 5 people, including me and my mum, and talked for 30 minutes. In the end of the talk, I felt how my brain was shutting down. It got more and more strenous to follow and process the conversation and I got semiverbal so I only responded with “yes” and “no”. When I was back home I slept for 2h to recover from it. People are so draining. They literally suck my energy off very quickly. I’ve always been a person who has a need for a huge amount of alone time. It is perfectly satsfying for me to only meet my friends in person 1-2 times a year for a few hours. The rest of the time I love being home alone. It sucks and makes me sad and mad that neurotypicals don’t understand that I do not have the same huge desire to spend time with social contacts like they do. And I find it quite cross-border like to say that I have to need it like other people. It’s a shame that being an introvert and loner here is still seen as form of menatl illness. I do not need a cure. Or to “go out more and doing stuff with friends”. It’s exhausting and literally makes me physical sick. It also is poison for my tumour disease. Because stress makes it get worse.
I remember years ago when I had to go to the psychologist to get my invalid pension. She asked me if I “don’t get bored” if I’m staying home all day. I looked at her and said “I don’t understand the question.” I still don’t. Why should I get bored? I have enough to do here and am happy with my computer, books and TV. Why don’t people get this that I am happy being a loner?!
Wrong Planet Syndrom
Sometimes I think
people misunderstand me
so they just have something
to complain about.
Sometimes it feels like
we talk in different languages.
Both humans, but still so different.
It feels like
I’m on the wrong planet.
Like the Enterprise,
I try to discover new cultures
but it seems
I got lost.
I’m lost on the
where no one
31.01.17 © LJ Meindl