If I can get a service dog soon?

So, in my last blog post I told you that I was thinking about to fet a service dog. Today someone came for a consultation appointment. He told me many many stuff that I still have to process. But it was very nice and positive. He said that nothing speaks against for a service dog. He also liked that I live at a forest so I don’t need to walk far to let the dog go run.
On the weekend he will send me a cost estimate for the dog and the training. He said it will be between 6000€-14000€. That’s a lot of money! Especially for me as someone who gets invalid pension. So I’m thinking about to make a crowdfunding on leetchi or something. Also I can try to contact sponsores.

If you want to support me already (I need money for medications) you can send me some via PayPal. Every Euro helps!

You can also buy my book “Black & White” : Amazon or from Epubli.

I really hope I can get the money together so I can soon get my service dog 🙂


Restless Heart (Poetry)

You have a restless heart.
You can’t stand still.
Always on the run,
looking for adventures.

You need the action
in your life.
Your heart longs for
new experiences.

You’re a traveller
with a restless heart.
It forces you to be
always on the road.

Don’t try to stop it.
It’s where you belong.
It’s who you are

Exciting. Awesome.

© 06.08.17 LJ Meindl All rights reserved.

Assistance update

I think I haven’t told yet that I started to work with M. from autism assistance. We went together to the hairdresser twice, gladly by car so I didn’t had the stress with using public transportation. It went all fine and he was very curious about me being trans, so I explained some things to him. He was asking very respectfully and got it quite good what being transgender means.
Yesterday we were at the hairdresser again and there was a woman with a baby. It was very hot so the baby of course made some noise. M. asked me if I had my stimming cube with me but this time I left it at home because I thought I won’t need it for a quick visit. After the hairdresser we went together for grocery shopping. I needed drinks, packages of water and ricemilk. Since he was with his car, I used the chance. Otherwise I would have to order it online and have to pay delivery costs. So I saved some money. But it was super strenouns day. So back home I slept kinda 2h and went to bed at only 19:30pm.
Next week we meet again and make a plan with all the things I want to do with him. Like going swimming, creating a household plan, trying drumming and so on.

Meanwhile because of my depression caused by feeling helpless and useless when I’m in a bad shape, my therapist suggested I should get myself a dog again. I really do miss having a dog with me and think it’s a pretty good idea. My pain doctor would see it the same way, I think, because he often tells me that I should move more and also go for a walk when I’m actually not feeling so well. It’s a devils circle. When I’m in moderate pain and I actually would like to go out, I immediately think that outside is often stressful for me, that my pain will increase when I walk too much, so I always don’t go out. A dog will break this bad habit, because he *must* go out.
Also problematic for me is that in the last past ten years my walking got worse. I often feel very insecure on my legs, even with cane, especially when little dogs come barking running to me, I fear that they will jump on me or run between my legs or attack my cane. This is huge dangerous scenario for me because this will most likely bring me to fall.
I knew they were service dogs for people with wheelchairs or epilepsie and so on. While researching I discovered mobility service dogs. Those dogs wear a special harness where one can find stability. You can even use this to stand up from seats and to help with taking stairs. Here you can see such a service dog who helps a young girl walk:

Service dog Rocky – child mobility/balance

In this video you can see how a mobility service dog helps in various situations:

Collies for Mobility and Support Assistance

I’m really curious if this would work for me, because it would give me much freedom back. Because of my paralysed leg and that it has happened often that I couldn’t get off a seat in public transportation, and need help to enter and leave train, bus, tram, I only leave my home with my mum. Which is, of course, a not so nice feeling. It makes me feel dependent. Like when it’s a nice day, I’m feeling good and would like to take the bus to a park or shopping centre, I always have to ask if she has time to come with me. Or when I need to spontanously buy food. I can’t go alone because I don’t trust my legs no more.
With a mobility service dog and the special harness it might be possible to do these things alone again. That would be awesome! I would be more idependent, gain self-worth and self-confidence.
I emailed a school for service dogs and am waiting now for a consultation appointment to see if I fit the requirements for a service dog. Unfortunately the training to become a service dog is very expensive and I have to see how to get money. The school says on their homepage that they help with finding sponsors and assist with crowdfunding and so on. I hope it will be possible so it doesn’t stay a dream.

Depression is a nasty bitch

Hearing of the suicide of Chester Bennington and the amount of comments I read, triggered me a bit and have made a memory become more present to me. As someone who struggles with suicidal thoughts since I was a teenager, I want to share some thoughts.
Comments like “Why he didn’t seek for help?” and telling suicidal people to reach out for help, it’s not that easy. Depression is a nasty bitch. No matter how often friends show me their support and tell me they will be there for me and listen, depression tells me otherwise.
“They just want to be nice.”
“You bother them with your silly problems.”
“Your problems aren’t that bad. People won’t take you serious.”
“You are a burden to them if you keep crying over your problems.”
And many more stuff, depression always tells me when I feel bad and think about reaching out to someone. This, mixed with the fear, that people anyway don’t want to be my friends, holds me away to reach out.

There were a situation with a friend in 2014. At this time I was very depressed and suicidal to that level that I was already thinking about on how and when to kill myself. My friend were DJ-ing at a bar in Helsinki and I just went over there because I thought it was a good distraction from my thoughts. Actually I wanted to meet another friend there who then let me down and didn’t show up. So I was sitting alone on my table because I couldn’t find my other friend yet. When he came welcoming his other friends, he noticed me and during the night he often stopped by to chat with me. In the end of the night when the bar got more empty, he took me beside to ask me if I was ok. I said yes, because I didn’t want to bother him. He was out with friends and girlfriend and I didn’t want to be annoying. He kept asking me for a whole while if I really was ok but I couldn’t tell him. His girlfriend were watching us and how could I have started talking about such a dark and sensitive topic?
When he noticed that I couldn’t tell him what was up, he embraced me long and tight, and then told me that “everything will gonna be alright again.” He didn’t know what was up, I couldn’t tell him but anyway he wanted to make me feel better. He showed me his support this night, reached me a hand.
Looking back at this situation, I do feel guilty now. For that I haven’t taken his offer and seed for his advice. I’m sorry, I couldn’t open up to him although I kinda wanted to. Not like I didn’t want to, I couldn’t. Not like I didn’t trust you, I just didn’t know how to. And now it feels like I missed my chance and he wouldn’t give me the same offer again.

So, the “reach help” advice might be meant nice but isn’t really helpful for suicidal people whose brain tell them lies. I don’t even know what my friend could have done different to make me be able to open up. Asking one more time, after the thousand times he did already? Asking me directly if we wanted to go somewhere else to talk so we would be alone so other people wouldn’t listen? Maybe that. For now it just feels like I did a huge mistake and that he won’t give me a second chance.

Yeah, depression is a nasty bitch.

Invisible (Poetry)


Why don’t you see me?
I’m standing right next to you.
But you talk with your friends
and I am out.

It’s like, I’m invisible.
People see through me;
Pretend, I’m not there.
What can I do,
to be seen and heard?

Your affection never last long.
If you meet someone else,
I am forgotten.
Do I even mean anything to you?

It’s like, I’m invisible.
People see through me;
Pretend, I’m not there.
What can I do,
to be included?

Always I’m left out;
Ever been.
Why? I don’t know.
I just want to belong.

© LJ Meindl 11.07.17 All rights reserved.