CN: suicide mention, surgeries, medical examinations
Lately I’m thinking about hysto again. I wanted this surgery since I was 15, and I can’t get it out of my head. I can’t live out my sex life because of it. No matter how long I’m on T, if I’m on birth control and use a condome, my brain still tells me “You have this organ so it’s possible to get pregnant.” And this would be a suicide reason for me. Having this organ completely blocks me.
A year ago, I thought it wasn’t possible. But on Tuesday I was in St. Joseph hospital in Berlin again because the last few weeks I experienced stronger abdominal pain. I haven’t had it this strong for ages. So I thought, it’s time for a check-up.
Good news: the doctor did an ultrasound scan of my whole abdomen (literally from bladder to up to my heart :D) The lymphangiom hasn’t grown. I only have two little cysts on my spleen, the biggest is 1,5cm. So it’s nothing to worry about.
But this also means that the abdominal cramps didn’t come from the lymphangiom. I told the doctor about my pain medication, that I was on Tilidin now for a while. He told me that Tilidin can lead to a restricted bowel movements. On Friday I was then at my pain doctor, gave him the pictures from the ultrasound and told him about the pain and what his colleague said. He prescribed me something that should help my intestine to work better. I still have abdominal pain but it has gotten better already.
When I was in hospital, I also asked the doctor about hysterectomy. (He knows I’m trans since I go there since I was a teenager.) He said, that it could be done. The surgeon just needs to know about the lymphangiom and be familiar with it. He explained to me how the lymphatic cysts usually work. I’m trying to explain. (It’s not easy in english.)
In healthy humans the lymphatic cysts heal themselves when they are hurt, like they close their wound and stop bleeding and pumping lymphatic liquid. In my disease this doesn’t work correct. The lymphatic cysts can’t heal themselves; they stay open and keep bleeding and pumping the lymphatic liquid into my body. This is what the surgeron needs to know. The doctor said that when I’ve found a surgeron, I can give him his contacts so he will advertise him on my disease.
But this is still future music. First I need to work on the PTSD or I don’t survive the surgery mantally well. That will need another few months/years I guess. I will talk to my therapist about it.
Mastectomy is now finally from the table. I had a dream about it, where I got mastec and it looked like nothing was gone, I had ugly scars and my nipples were destroyed. In my dream I said: “I’m doing this never again.” I take this as asign of my body that it doesn’t wants this surgery. Well, I don’t need it for myself anyway. I was just considering it because of the breast cancer risk. But in all, I really love my body how it is now.