Yesterday I had a meeting with the social help, household help and autism assistance. We came to conclusion that I get a helper for household for 2h per week (which I find a bit less since for grocery shopping you need already an hour) and a testing period with the autism assistance to see how much and what support I need. So far so good. What has bothered me a lot during the conversation, is that they always said I should do this autism specific therapy to “remedy the social consequences of autism” and to “learn structures”. Well, I don’t need that! I can do plan things very fine. I just can’t do my household because of chronic pain! The guy from social help then said “Well, then you are wrong here because this would be a case for care.” Oh come on! Don’t pretend this is the first time you heard me saying this! From the first day when I made the application for ambulant assisted living I very clearly communicated what kind of help I do need! Even my therapist wrote a report what we have worked together and that selfcare, structures are not my problem!
About to “remedy the social consequences of autism”, it would be nice if you would listen to the actual autistic person! I told them several times that I do not want and need “more social contacts”. I am happy as the way it is. Their argument: 3 people say something different. They stick on the report from the (incompetend) doctor from social psychiatric service and the report from MDK and the last person from “help for care”. Again, listen to the actual autistic person! It might be that you as neurotypicals need a circle of friends and daily social contact, but that doesn’t mean that it will work for me too.
I’ve always been a loner. Since I was in kindergarden I never had desire and intentions to connect with other children and make friends. I was more happy to play alone; read a book or do a puzzle. 10 years ago I do had a circle of friends and it got so bad that one day I collapsed and vomitted. Just because of the overwhelming social stress. That was when I cut everyone out of my life. It was an act of selfcare. But people don’t understand it. In the past I got misdiagnosed with social phobia and was called an asshole and arrogant by so called friends, because of my loner behaviour.
I don’t have social phobia. I’m not afraid to go out and meet people. I find it super strenous, stressful and exhausting. Yesterday we were 5 people, including me and my mum, and talked for 30 minutes. In the end of the talk, I felt how my brain was shutting down. It got more and more strenous to follow and process the conversation and I got semiverbal so I only responded with “yes” and “no”. When I was back home I slept for 2h to recover from it. People are so draining. They literally suck my energy off very quickly. I’ve always been a person who has a need for a huge amount of alone time. It is perfectly satsfying for me to only meet my friends in person 1-2 times a year for a few hours. The rest of the time I love being home alone. It sucks and makes me sad and mad that neurotypicals don’t understand that I do not have the same huge desire to spend time with social contacts like they do. And I find it quite cross-border like to say that I have to need it like other people. It’s a shame that being an introvert and loner here is still seen as form of menatl illness. I do not need a cure. Or to “go out more and doing stuff with friends”. It’s exhausting and literally makes me physical sick. It also is poison for my tumour disease. Because stress makes it get worse.
I remember years ago when I had to go to the psychologist to get my invalid pension. She asked me if I “don’t get bored” if I’m staying home all day. I looked at her and said “I don’t understand the question.” I still don’t. Why should I get bored? I have enough to do here and am happy with my computer, books and TV. Why don’t people get this that I am happy being a loner?!