Sometimes I hate being autistic…

CN: Depression

… I have those moments again where I have the feeling that no one understands me. When I talk, discuss with people, they somehow always interpret things into my words that I never said. NT’s (neurotypical people) get harder and harder to understand for me the older I get. One must think, it should get easier after time, ’cause I learnt how socializing works. But it seems that’s not the case. Instead I get even more confused about social interactions and start to wonder why the hell I’m still bothering with this. Lately I think more often about the time 10-12 years ago when I cut off my complete local friends system. I did it because I had a severe burn-out. Those ‘friends’ never understood me or cared about me. They got mad at me for not contacting them every few days, or when I had to cancel invitations. It is not my fault that I doesn’t need that much social contact. I’m perfectly fine staying weeks long all alone. But, the human being is (unfortunately) a social creature, so no matter what, we still try to get social with other human beings once in a while. Sometimes I wish I could get rid off this need…

That I’m still fighting to get my assistance doesn’t help the depression either. The social help thinks that because of my severe disabilities I need the support from a nursing service. Problematic is, that those first, mostly have no clue about autistic people, and secondly, would only do things like help with washing and dressing up. This are things I can do alone. I need a support who does grocery shopping for me, helps me in household and comes with me to doctors and offices. Actually this falls under the social help, ambulant assisted living. But, ambulant assisted living would be only approved for a limited period because it’s for people who should learn to do this things alone.
So this is upsetting me much as well. This struggle now goes for over half a year and it seems that there’s no end coming soon.

Everything gets harder every day. For what do I keep fighting? Why am I still bother to stay alive? I don’t have anything to live for. It feels like I’m just staying alive for those people who love me, what are not much. I’m just so done with this fucking world and life…


3 thoughts on “Sometimes I hate being autistic…

  1. maybe writing with people could help, because it could help you understand each other? If social interactions in person get confusing, maybe writing to clear up the confusion, or writing with people you’ve never met in person- as a way to connect?!


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