Dating as disabled Trans Person

Dear diary,

Some time ago I talked about dating as aromantic. I am still using an app for it. Now it happens that I notice how difficult dating gets when you are disabled and transgender.
In the first week many guys sent me messages, asking me out about sex dates. It’s sad (and annoying) how much transgender people are viewed as fetish in gay community. Many gay men thought, “there I can fuck a pussy without feeling bad about my orientation because it wasn’t woman”. That’s the feeling I always got when I received such messages. Or from bisexual men who want to experiment with men because they never had before and think a trans person would be a good compromise. When it comes about bi men, I often have the feeling that they do not see me as the person I am. More like “You are not a real woman, not a real man.” It feels like they see me as a mixture of both although myself see me as neither.
If this wasn’t complicated enough to deal with, it happens that I am disabled and chronicall ill too. People often have a big problem with it. My ex had. Often he complained about that we don’t go out often, or when we were going out, that we had to leave soon because of my pain. I remember one situation where we had a huge fight because I told him that I was in pain and had to leave from a friends birthday party although we just arrived. He yelled at me that I always get pain when we are out and that he didn’t want to leave now. He told me, if I want to leave I’d should go alone home. So I told him that I would if I would still capable to walk alone. But my pain was so intense that I could barely stand. Our close friend then jumped in for me and said to my ex, if he doesn’t want to bring me home now, he will do so.
Another fight with my ex started when I needed his help. Like when I couldn’t get out of the bathtub on my own no more, or needed special treatment for my hurting hip. He once yelled at me that he wasn’t my nurse! I got so mad at him! Yelled back, that he knew I was disabled and so should have count on that I need his help in some situations!

That’s why I mentioned in my profile on this app that I was not only transgender but also chronically ill and disabled. (Haven’t mentioned my autism yet because many people do not even know what it means.) So I only get messages from guys who are aware of it and possibly can deal with it. I do not need a partner, who always complains about chronic illness and disability. Or someone who shows me his compassion all the time. I do not need nor do I want that! I live with my disabilty and illness for so many years already, I can deal with it! I learned how to live with it. Yes, sometimes I cry about it when my pain gets so intense I feel like dying. But I do not want any compassion. Sometimes I just need to let it out. And then I only want someone who tries everthing to make me feel better. Who will make me hot tea, massage my hurting body parts, helps me with having a relaxing bath and makes me healthy food and so on. Who’s just a loving partner.

And if you can not be like that, if you can not deal with it, then better don’t date someone with disability and chronic illness!

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