Many people told me that I should take care of me. That I should not take on too much. Yes, I know I have to be carefully how much I do the day. I know that stress is poison for my tumour disease. But you know what? If I really would listen and erase every stress factor from my life, I’d had to live in the dark with ear plugs in my ears the whole day and never talk to anyone. And that would be not living anymore. Because every little thing stresses me. My autism makes life really hard sometimes. Grocery shopping is a challenge, with all the people talking and walking, the music from the boxes, the bright light that hurts my eyes. Even more stressful it gets when the store moved their groceries so I can’t find them no more. Or when the package of a regular used grocery has changed. And most stressful is, when they don’t have my planned food. For non-autistic people this would be not a big deal, they would just take something else. I can’t do that. If they don’t have my planned food, I don’t eat. Yes, it’s not a good solution, so I try to always have a second planned food.
So, there it starts and there are even more “simple” things like this what stresses me a lot.
Not only because of my autism it is hard to live my life, but also my tumour disease, disability and chronic pain slows me down in life. There are so many beautiful places I’d like to visit, and so many people I’d like to get to meet in real life, but I can’t. I can’t because travelling is super stressful for me. Physically and mentally. I use to plan a trip months before I leave. Why? Because I need to. I need to know every little detail. About travelling time, how to get to the hotel, public transportation plans and to prepare myself to ask for help when I need it. Usually I always try to do everything on my own so I do not have to talk to people. Socializing is something I often try to avoid. So I make plans in my head, like a map, learn the bus plan from memory and everything so I do not have to ask a stranger. Unfortunately often you can not avoid to talk to people. Like at the Check-In or on the plane. After an hour’s flight to Helsinki I am so damn exhausted and stressed out that I need a complete day off to re-charge.
So why do I do this stress to me? One simple answer: Because it’s worth it. Simply travelling for relaxing doesn’t work for me. Everytime I go to Helsinki, there is an event going on. Like to see The 69 Eyes playing or when I went there to see Jussi 69 dj-ing. (Totally worth it, btw!!)
Attending to a gig is most stressful for me. Many people, who are talking loud, plus all the differents scents from parfume, shampoo, sweat. Then there is the lights what hurt my eyes. Probably I have to talk with security because of my disability and to defend myself from other fans who are jumping and pushing, and accidentally touching me. It’s the pure autism horror haha
But you know what? I endure this all, because for a short moment I can forget. I can forget about my tumour disease, about my disability, about being autistic. I don’t even notice my pain. There is just me and the band. Nothing else reach me then. I see my boys on stage, feel the music running through my veines. My heart beats loud and strong as never before. I feel alive. For one short moment I know what it feels like to be alive.
My highlight at every gig is, to see Jussi 69 on stage. If you never have seen him, I highly recommend to do so! He’s an energetic, crazy and funny drummer. It is incredible to watch him drumming. I literally forget everything then. He’s so nice to look at, like the sunrise over Helsinki. Wanna have proof? Here’s some pics of him!