Aromantic and relationships

Dear Diary,

lately I started to use dating apps to meet new local people. Because I don’t have friends here. Unfortunately these apps are very cis- and heteronormative, even the gay ones. You can choose your gender from a huge list, yes, also your sexual orientation but unfortunately there’s no option for romantic orientations. Because you know, romantic and sexual orientation doesn’t have to match. For example, one can be heteroromantic but pansexual.
So I am aromantic, that means that I don’t fall in love and won’t develop romantic feelings for a person, but I do feel sexually attracted to men or let’s say masculine people. If I would be an extrovert and outgoing person, one could say that I could just live my sexuality with one night stands. In the gay community this shouldn’t be problematic to find sex partners. But oh well, I’m not this kind of person. Pre-Transition, sex was terrible for me. I do not liked to get touched and never felt sexually attracted to anyone. (Which means I never got the desire towards a specific person to do sexual things. But I do have a libido and get aroused, which is to seperate from sexual attraction.) So I because of that and the fact that I am transgender, I need to have an emotional bond with someone before I can get sexually intimate with them. This bond will be platonic in nature, because I am aromantic. So and now there’s my problem. What if I meet someone who really likes me in romantic way? How do I explain to him that I never will reciprocate his feelings in the same way? I mean, I will love them platonically, what doesn’t mean I love them less, but in a different way. And most of all: Is it even fair to be with someone who loves you romantically but you know, you’ll never be able to reciprocate those feelings?

A short look back:
Thirteen years ago I was in relationship with a very nice guy. Tall, muscular, sexy, sweet, Drummer. He was loving me romantically very much and at first I thought I feel the same. But one day I realized that I was loving him platonically but not romantically. That was a huge problem for me, because it didn’t felt fair. He was talking, planning a future together with me. Moving in together, marriage, children. All this what I never want. I do loved him, I liked to be with him, spending time with him, even the sex was sometimes ok. But I did not loved him romantically. It was more a friends-with-benefits relationship to me. Close friends who sometimes have sex. Anyway, I decided that I had to break up with him, so he can find a person who can make his future dreams true. This was very hard for me. At this time I didn’t know that something like aromantic exist. I tried to explain to him, why I don’t wanted to be with him, but he didn’t understand. For a long time after we broke up he tried to convince me, to make me change my mind. He said, he would change himelf if there was something that bothered me. So I had to be very ugly to him. I didn’t know how to make him understand that there will be never anything romantically from my side. So I told him that I have never loved him. It was heartbreaking and it hurt me as same much as him. But it wasn’t fair to keep him on my side, attached to me, when I knew that I will never love him the same way.

I never wanted to experience that again. So I avoided every flirting attack from men towards me, and tried to focus on friendships. Unfortunately it ended always with the guy telling me his feelings for me. “I really like you.” “I think I have a crush on you.” So I rejected them and told them that I will never feel the same as they do for me, and that I liked them platonically, as friends, only. They said that they understand, but they didn’t. They kept on trying to flirt with me, to make me change my mind about them. So I completely cut off the contact. I needed to escape because I couldn’t deal with this situation.
Since then I avoided to go out, to meet new people. Because I didn’t want to have to go through this all again. To have again someone I wanted simply to befriend and that person convincing me his romantic feelings.

Since then I had only online friends, most of them girls so I don’t had to have the fear no more. But then I met a man I have a huge platonic crush on. That was still before my transition, before I knew I was transgender. He was always very nice to me, kinda flirty with me. So I got afraid again. “Please, please, don’t fall for me!” I didn’t want to hurt another heart. It happened that we met again after I had my inner coming out, so came to conclusion that I was trans. I couldn’t deal with it. I was very depressed and afraid how it would affect our beginning friendship when I came out to him. I wasn’t sure in what way he was liking me. But then I saw him together with a girl; he had a girlfriend! I was so happy and felt so relieved! “Yes, we can be bros!” That was what was going to my mind. I didn’t came out to him that night but the next time we met and got the best reaction. A brotherly hug and “Everything id fine!” He treated me immediately like every other of his male friends. This moment I thought, maybe I can now befriend men without them developing romantic feelings towards me? But now I have a different thought. I am a very sweet person who likes to cuddle with friends if I feel comfortable and platonically attracted to. Unfortunately this world is very homophobic. You literally can not cuddle with german men or make them compliments because then they start to think you have romantically interest in them. Even more when they know that one is gay. (It’s ridiculous, I know.) So that’s why I avoided to be too friendly towards straight men and got me this app to find gay men. But what if I meet someone there, who starts again, to like me romantically? What do I do then? How do I explain that I’m aromantic? But still want to have  a close friendship where you can cuddle with each other, share a bed togehter and so on, without romantically intentions? Even if I find someone who’s understanding and I can have this platonic relationship with sex with, it doesn’t feels fair from me to keep it when I know, I never be able to feel the same for him.