Changing gender during hormone therapy

Dear diary,

it’s been a long time since I wrote something here. I’ve been very busy into transitioning and enjoying the male puberty πŸ˜€
Meanwhile I am 9 months on T and my body has changed a lot! I love it! Gained 15kg on muscle mass, got hairy legs and a few hairs on my belly. My face has changed a lot too. Finally I recognise myself in the mirror and I like what I see.

But the biggest change I noticed is, that I don’t really indentify as man no more. In the beginning of my transition I had huge problems to accept me for being male, a man. Not only because of the very bad image I had of men, but more that I just can not relate myself to other men. Yes, I know you should not comparise yourself to others, but hey, you will do it anyway. And there I had found out that I’m not that what society sees as man. I know there are many ways to be a man, but I feel like I don’t fit completely into this box.
More often I got flashbacks from my childhood, when I felt like neither. And it made me wonder what has happened that I changed my mind. It’s because even when you are nonbinary, you will try to fit into a box, to satisfy the binary system as good as you can.
I told ya, that I’ve always seen my body as genderless/genderneutral. Now, after 9 months on T and the way it has changed, I can view it even more as genderless. My body looks very androgynous now, and I love it! It feels so right and is this what I have always wished for! I just didn’t know that it was possible, that this was an option. And I came to conclusion that I don’t need any surgeries to feel complete. I am already. I’m happy.

I talked about this with my therapist on Tuesday, and he totally understands me. I was wearing a SlimFit shirt and he asked me if I was binding my chest because “it looks like you have pecs to me.” I told him, no and that this was just what my chest looks like. He then said, that he understands now why I don’t see it as breasts and female parts. Also I told him that I do not need mastectomy for myself, but we will keep working on my hospital trauma. It always can happen that I have to visit a hospital, and I still want to get top-surgery in a few years. Not for me, but because of that 2 of my aunts have breast cancer and I fear I could get it too one day. I don’t mind the breast tissue I have, but a flat chest would be same welcome to me.

The thing I changed the way how I view my body, is because I thought I had to view it same way like society does. When I go out, society sees a young man, because that’s how they view my (dressed) body. This what is considered to be a male body, is genderless to me. In my childhood/teenage years I thought that I would feel better if I’d have a male looking body, still not identifying myself as male but genderless.
But this is just my feeling! One does not have to be androgynous or male looking to be nonbinary, agender or neutrois. It’s different for everyone. For me, I need to look like a man without being a man πŸ˜‰

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