6 months on T (update)

Dear diary,

it seems like ages since my last post here. The last weeks and months I struggled a lot with my chronic pain. Tried out a few new medications, but still haven’t found the right one for me that actually works. Either I got heavy side effects just like dizziness, blackouts and nausea with vomitting, or the effect of the pain medication was not strong enough. At the moment I’m on a combination of Traumeel drops and Naproxen, but it seems to be not strong enough too. If I want to get reduced pain I have to take at least 3 pills, what I find already too much. I’m so tired of taking pills, what slowly destroys my organs. So I might have to visit my doc again in February to ask for something else.

Also I sent my application for name and sex change to the court. I had my hearing in December and the judge was super nice. She just asked me about the names I want to go by now and the two specialists who have to write me reports that confirm my transsexuality. One of them is my therapist, so I only have to go to one appointment in March. When all goes well and the court works quick, I might have my name and sex officially changed in spring!

On 2nd January I had my half a year anniversary. I can’t believe I’m on testosterone for a half a year already! Time really flies! I’m still very happy with the changes so far, although I still have a bad acne on my upper arms and shoulders. From last year till now I have gained 13kg!! Finally, for the first time in my life, I have a normal weight for my age and height. This is awesome! Also my voice keeps breaking and got a little more body hair. Mustache is coming good too, but the sideburns let me waiting. But I don’t want to complain, since I get recognised as male almost 100% now.

Odd thing is, my dysphoria started to change. Pre-T my biggest dysphoria were my small bony shoulders, voice and skinny body type. Things like the breast tissue or bottom dysphoria I experienced rarely. Due to the weight gain from T, this has changed now. I really like my shoulders and back now. But now I started to experience dysphoria on my chest and between my legs. It just doesn’t seem right to me and to not fit my body type no more. I will order a packer (penis prosthesis) next week. I’m curious if this will help a little. Also I’m thinking now more about mastectomy and also hysterectomy. Of course, I didn’t had my menstruation since last July/August, but just the knowing that there is something in my belly what can get me pregnant, scares and disgusts me as hell. The hysterectomy I wanted since I was 14. I still fear the risks, so when I’m back at my endo/gyn in February I will ask her how risky it really be would for me to get hysterectomy. If possible I’d like to have it together with the mastectomy, so I only have one surgery. That will stress and scare me enough…

When I finally have found a medication that works for me, I will go back into physiotherapy. Haven’t been there for a few weeks already and I notice that I really need it for my health. Until then I try to do a little exercise at home, but physiotherapy with the weights will be much more effective 🙂

Here’s a comparison pic of my back; pre-T and now.
pizap.com14534610053941Looks like I become a little fattie, and I love it! 😀

Luka

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