I looked through my blog posts and noticed that I haven’t had told a whole story about how it’s been for me to go through puberty as an asexual, aromantic transgender person.
First of all, my tumour disease and the hospital visits kept me very busy during puberty so I didn’t really noticed it. I had to focus on surviving. But when I was out of hospital and met up with my only friend from school, I noticed how she got interested in boys. She always tried to flirt with boys, wanted to go out with them and so on. I find it boring. It didn’t make sense to me. From my own platonic point of view, I was interested in boys too. Since I can remember I felt that I wasn’t a girl, could more identify with my brother and his friends. And I was jealous. Jealous of this friendship boys have between them. So I tried to become friends with boys, but they weren’t interested. From the surgeries I was very weak, severe underweight and looked sick. Of course they couldn’t see the boy in me, they always thought I was attracted to them and so they didn’t want me. When I got to know a boy, I always tried to tell him that I was only looking for friendship, but they didn’t believe me. It might has to do with the fact that I’m autistic and show my affection in a way others interpret as romantic interest (which it never was!).
So quickly I gave up on this. Unfortunately my friend didn’t want to understand this. Often she tried to arrange “dates” for me. One time when I was 15/16 she took me to such a “date” without telling me. She said, that she wanted to meet her boyfriend who came from a different city and had a friend with him, so she took me with that the friend doesn’t had to be alone. After a brief talk at a cafe, we went to the bathroom where she told me that I was impolite to the boy and that he would flirt with me. Surprised as I was, I replied that I wasn’t impolite at all and was talking nicely to him. I totally ignored the flirting part, it didn’t matter to me. After I noticed that this was one of her matchmaker game, I left the cafe pissed. Later I told her again that I have no interest in this kind of relationship to a boy. But she said, that I was just shy and a late bloomer. Some years later, after another matchmaker game, she told me in a schocking tone, that “it can’t be that I never had a boyfriend before”, nor “that I kissed a boy”. I was 17 and just replied “it seems disgusting. Why should I want to kiss someone?”. She then assumed that I liked girls, what I denied. She just didn’t get it!
Also when I was in my 20’s friends often assumed that I was romantically attracted to a male when I mentioned that I found someone interesting. I always denied it and tried to explain to them that it was platonic attraction. I didn’t know that I was transgender at this time; I just had the strong inner desire to have a friendship with a male just like other guys. How could I explain this without knowing I was trans? Everytime I tried, I was told “But I can see how much you like him! Don’t lie to me!”
I have the theory that because I lack of romantic attraction, my platonic attraction is stronger, and that’s why often misinterpreted as romantic attraction.
Often when it happend that I became friend swith a male, after a while they told me their feelings for me. I was honest and told them that there will be only friendship and they seemed to understand, but later I always had to break up the contact. I couldn’t stand their comments and “accidentally” touches. I found the thought disgusting that somebody could see me as a beautiful an sexy woman. I didn’t want to nor I was I able to deal with this.
This is also a reason why I didn’t (and still don’t) like to go out in bars. It was always me who got invited for drinks and paid attention from men who wanted to flirt with me and more. One time I got so pissed that I told a singer from a punkrock band to “go fuck himself” if he wanna have sex tonight.
After this night I didn’t went out no more, even when friends invited me. And they soon stopped to ask me out. That wasn’t a problem at all, since I’ve never been a party animal. But it sucked to lose friends because of this. Now I understand that they weren’t friends at all.
My first boyfriend I got through my friend from school. He’s been an acquaintance of her and I thought a relationship would be the only possibility to be friends with him. The kissing wa sdisgusting (as I expected) and the sexual part. Well, with antidepressants and alcohol you can get through it. It hurt. Most painful for me was when they wanted to touch my chest. I kinda was screaming of pain. No physical pain, it was more mentally. Sexual part was horrible. I told him to not touch me there and to stop doing this, and I just had a strong feeling of “I don’t want this!” in my mind, and my only wish was to kick him off the bed. I have no clue how I survived this. I just tried so hard to be a normal straight girl and it went so wrong. You can not be something you are not.
Since I didn’t had friends no more, I talked with my cousins about this experience and was told that “he wasn’t the right one” and that I “will find fun on sex when I had more experiences”. I didn’t want to. But I was scared to tell them. Everywhere you see this heteronormativity shit. You get told “But everyone falls in love!” More and more I got depressed and scared that something was very wrong with me, because I couldn’t feel romantically nor sexual attraction. I tried to be in a relationship another time. Maybe I will start to feel romantically attraction later? Maybe it just needs some time?, I thought. But this relationship was my last one. The guy was toxic. Over 6 years he tried to turn me into a girl. I was depressed and desperated, why I felt so restless, why I couldn’t become friends with men. So I let it happen. Maybe everyone around me was right and I was the one who was wrong? I remember one day, when I was standing in front of a mirror all dressed up, long hair, make-up, girl. I looked as this person and couldn’t recognise me. I saw a beautiful young woman and wondered why I wasn’t happy. Why this didn’t felt like me, why it didn’t looked like me.
Even after I broke up with him, I needed some time to find my roots again. I remembered things from my childhood, from my younger years when I told my friend that “I’d be happy if I wouldn’t have breasts at all.” and that I envied guys for their chest. I remembered how my last boyfriend met me first: a tomboy, with short hair, jeans, boots and a hoodie. I never wore bras, just wide shirts that hide the little fat on my chest. I found childhood picks of me and wondered why I lost my path. Why have I let myself got so manipulated by friends and family? So I decided to live from now on how it feels right for me.
It’s ben a long struggle for me, and I hope we can raise some awareness for aromantic, asexuality and transgender. So that others don’t have to go through an odyssey like I did.