today I’m exactly one year clean from self harm. And I have to say, it’s crazy how much has changed in just one year!
Let me start from the moment when I realised that I’m transgender…
It was when I’ve been in Helsinki for the 25th anniversary of The 69 Eyes and my 30th birthday what was the same night. Before I went to the show, I thought about what to wear. Actually I wanted to present more masculine and come there in a suit, but when I discussed it with a friend (one of those who is not my friend no more after my coming out), she told me I’d look better in a dress. Since I kinda never have had worn a dress before, I’d thought I’d give it a chance for this special occasion.
The very moment when I realised that I’m not female, was when I watched the drummer playing shirtless, as usual. It hit me light a lightning. “I should not wear a dress. I should be here in a suit. My body is wrong; it should look like his. I.am.not.a.girl.”
All my life I avoided it to see men shirtless because it has always made me damn uncomfortable, but I didn’t know why. Now it makes sense. I was jealous. Jealous for those men who had the luck to be born with a masculine body, while I had to cope with my skinny bony androgynous one.
Suddenly I felt very uncomfortable in my dress and with make-up on my face. Everything felt so wrong. I was ashamed and just wanted to disappear, but I couldn’t leave and go change clothes. It was my 30th birthday and friends wanted to celebrate with me. So I kept on pretending that everything was fine and was waiting for the moment when I would be back in my apartment and able to finally take that dress off.
It was not until 5am before I was finally alone. I was totally alone. I took the dress off, washed my face from the make-up and broke down. I drank the rest of my apple cider I had there, then broke a razor blade from my razor and just cut myself again and again until I passed out. The next morning I woke up and my whole arm was burning like fire.
After that I had realised that I’m not female, it wasn’t all fine, like so many trans men tell. I had a very very difficult time to accept myself for being male. Me male? No, that can’t be true. It was a shock for me. I can’t be like them! Them, they are, my drunken father who regularly threaten my brother and me with beating. Like my first boyfriend who has sexually abused me. Like all the other men I met, who didn’t understand the word “no!” and touched me where I never wanted to get touched.
I had a very bad image of men and it has cost me huge courage to unlearn this. Gladly I met some men who showed me that not all men are like this. They are caring, loving, respectful and good listeners. Although I wasn’t able to speak up and tell them about my problems, I knew they are ;)I remember that I promised to one of them on Halloween 2014 to “take very good care” of me which meant for me, no more self harm. I kept my promised; I never relapsed again after this day. And I decided to try it to live as a man, because “if I’m really male, I want to become a man like him.”
The longer I did my real-life experience as male, the better I was doing. Self harm was not a topic no more, depression is over, and I gained weight for the first time in my life.
When I started therapy in March, I started to grow on self confidence. And when I started with hormones, everything now. I’m now almost 3 months on T and I really feel that this was the thing I was missing my whole life. I love it how my face is changing and start to recognize myself in the mirror and on pictures.
I’m doing better and better every day. Nothing shows more from the insecure, depressed young person I’ve been a year ago.
Now I’m a much healthier, happier and confident young man.