A look back

Dear diary,

I haven’t written anything new for a long time. That’s because recently I think about a lot of things. From the past, from my childhood.

Me 1997, as a12 y.o.
Me in 1997, as a12 y.o.

When I look back, I am surprised that I’m still alive.The lymphangioma and the surgeries had almost killed me. The pic shows me in 1997, one year after the first surgery. I’ve been through 10. I was severe underweight; too weak to go out and play; too weak to walk up the stairs to our apartment. I’ve been more dead than alive then.

In 2000 was the last surgery I had to go through. So I kinda have been my whole teenage years in hospital or at home because I was so weak. Other kids went out, exploring their gender, experiment with sexual orientations and I was fighting for my life.

Feb. 2015 vs. May 2015
Feb. 2015 vs. May 2015

I needed many years to recover from the surgeries. But I’m a fighter, a warrior, a survivor. Finally I am in a shape where I’m stable. I’m still underweight but it’s not that worse than years ago. In the last months I’ve gained 4kg on weight, and I keep it going.

But even more, I am finally stable enough to focus on different things than to keep myself alive. Everything starts to make sense now. Still discover new pieces of me that I had forgotten about half of my life. The puzzle gets clearer and clearer.

I know I am transgender. That I have always been a boy. My sexual orientation is still unclear to me, that’s why I consider myself as asexual at the moment. But now I have the time and strength to think about where I do belong. It will come with time.

I’m still in the beginning of my journey. Feel as if I’d be somewhat a teenager or in my early twenties and not that I’m already 30 years old. But that’s okay. Age doesn’t matter. Maybe I will really start to grow up when I start T. But I can already say that I feel more like me. More like my true self.

I will keep growing to become the man I’m supposed to be. Not only on the outside but also on the inside.



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