Don’t tell me how I should feel about my body

Dear diary,

a few weeks ago I made an experience I haven’t expected within the trans community. It still hurts me. I got some hate for posting a shirtless pic of me. I am pre T. I didn’t know I wasn’t allowed to feel okay about my chest. The haters literally told me that I “can’t be real transgender” just because I don’t feel dysphoric about my chest.
Well, there is nothing I could feel dysphoric about. I never really did.
I don’t know why I never cared about other peoples bodies. If it’s because I’m autistic, or how I was raised. But I don’t see anything wrong with it.
I liked it to go swimming with bare chest. When I was kid, and still do. I found it weird when my friends in elementary school didn’t want to go under the sprinkler no more on hot summer days. I just didn’t get why they suddenly felt different about their bodies than before.
Even when I grew older I still haven’t got it. In puberty my body also changed a bit, and into something that didn’t felt right for me. But I thought that I can’t help it, that I have to deal with it. So I did.
Suddenly I wasn’t allowed to go swimming shirtless anymore. People were staring at me; made me feel bad about myself and I didn’t know why. Men were allowed to show their chest, so why am I not allowed to? Where is the difference?
After I came out as transgender and saw myself finally as the man I am, I thought “I’m a man and men are allowed to be shirtless, right?” Wrong. Even in the trans community you are not allowed to feel that manly. I mentioned it already: I was told I’m “not really transgender” and that I should “feel ashamed” of my body, that I need to have chest dysphoria to be a “real trans man”. Why do people do that? It is my body and I see my body in the way I am comfortable with. It is not my fault that I don’t have actual boobs, nor is it my fault that I can cope better with my body than other trans men with theirs.
One of my friends spoke out what I was thinking: “Why even in the trans community we bring each other down? We should support each other.” The cistem is already fucked up towards us, so do not let us bring that hate into the trans community. Don’t tell a trans guy who hasn’t had top surgery and he posts shirtless pics of himself, that he should feel ashamed, that he should not post those pics! Better tell him that he is brave to post those pics, that he is cool that he is already that comfortable with himself. Stop body shaming! And mostly: Do not tell any transgender person how they should feel about their body!
Let us help each other, support each other.

Luka

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One thought on “Don’t tell me how I should feel about my body

  1. You are completely right. No one has the right to determine whether someone is transgender or not. Not the medical/psych gatekeepers, not the community. It is up to the individual to decide how they identify.
    In my experience, the people in the community who assign themselves the role of the gender police (or the politically correct police) are full of false bravado – and they are actually insecure about their identity – so they focus on yours instead. People who are comfortable in their own identity have no need to criticize others – they know there is a wide range of identities out there and everyone sees their own a little differently.
    You don’t need to have a cis male body to swim without a top. You can identify as trans without taking hormones or having surgery. You don’t have to change your name or your gender marker. You just have to be authentic, which it sounds like you are. Peace.

    Liked by 1 person

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