lately it’s so difficult for me to stay in touch with people. It costs me much strength to build sentences in my mind, not only in english but also in my native language german. It gets so slowly like my brain has forgotten how to put letters together to words. To write this article is already so exhausting, but speaking is even worse. I’d like to stay non-verbal for a while but I can’t. I have to talk/communicate with people. Not on a daily basis, because the most time I spend at home, but when I go to physiotherapy or my transgender therapist. I’m stressed out, maybe burned out. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s the changes I go through at the moment. I exchanged some furnishings in my home, have two times a week physiotherapy, start transgender therapy in June again, have to do my grocery shopping and to manage my household. For non autistic people it’s daily life, but for me it feels so much. If I would not get help from my mum two times a week I don’t know what I would do.
I feel like I’m constantly in an Overload state. I need to rest and relax but don’t know how. Even working with my special interest is strenuous. All I want to do at the moment is to lock out the world outside, embrace myself and keep swinging my body from side to side.
But I also wanna live my life. I’d like to write some new poetry, to keep practising photography, to learn how to play piano and to sing. But I have no energy to do these beautiful things.
Social contact is the less I can/want to do at the moment. It has always been difficult for me to make friends. No matter how hard I try it seems I always fail on communication. Actually I never had real friends in my life. And currently it feels like I want to give up on it. But I fear if I reduce my social communication now, I will lose some friends. Because that’s the experience I made in life. Every time when I needed time for myself, (and if I say “some time” I mean weeks and months) my friends turned their back on me. When I was doing better and tried to start contacting them again, they were like: “You haven’t talked with me for so long time and now you suddenly want to come back?” or “I’m only interesting for you when you want something”. I tried to explain that’s not about them, but they didn’t understand. That makes me wonder, why am I still trying? Is there anybody out there who can cope with all this autistic shit and give me the space that I need?