Dear diary,

currently I’m not doing well. I have a very tough time with severe depression and feeling suicidal. (Still haven’t relapsed on self-harm what is a plus!)
My goal for the new year is to find a good therapist who can help me to find the reason for my feelings and a solution.

At the moment the depression phase comes from that I still can’t accept myself and stay true to who I am. But I also can’t go back and live my life as I was doing all the years. This was not me and I was suffering to try to fit into expectations. I can’t do this anymore.

Has anyone transgender person these thoughts? From what I’ve read in ftm forums, the most of them are happy to know where they belong and can’t wait for transition. So why is it still so difficult for me to accept that I am trans*?
I haven’t had the luck to have a loving father. The memories I have about my childhood are foggy. My father was always drunk and noisy, he has threatened us (me and my brother) a beating. Whether he ever did… I don’t know.
The relationship to my two years older brother was difficult. On one hand we loved to play together (if it was with outside with friends or alone in his room), on the other we were fighting till real beating us. And the older he became the less he wanted to play with his “little sister”. I didn’t understand. I was like him! Sure I also had interests that were considered feminine like horses, drawing, reading and writing (in my opinion all of them are unisex interests). But the most I loved it to hang up in his room and play with his toy cars and play station and things…

Back to topic: I think the thing why I take it so hard to accept that I might be a transman is because of that I made bad experiences with men in the past. My first boyfriend assaulted me sexually and for several times I got sexually harassed in my life. I have a very negative imagine about men in my mind, and to erase this is difficult and needs lot of time. My main thought is “I can’t be like them!” Although meanwhile I also have very nice male friends who show me their support and love, and I see there are also wonderful, loving and protective men out there, it’s still hard for me.

I don’t know if I ever will be able to accept me and become the man I actually am. Maybe I end up with identify “only” as being trans masculine, but what I’m sure about is, I don’t want to be seen as woman and refer as such.
For now, I love my self given name and can’t wait to get more men’s clothes to go on with the “full-time real-life experience” I’m in.


2 thoughts on “Thoughts

    1. Well, at first I need to find out what “final” gender identity I have! Trans masculine? Transman? The word “man” feels weird to me, but I do feel manly, masculine, like a boy, whatever you want to call it 😉 I hope that a therapy can help me to reflect myself. Meanwhile I live my new role as man and listen to myself how this makes me feel.

      Steps I want to take? I think you mean transition? Well, since my youth I wanted to go through the male puberty so testosterone would be definitely an option for me. About surgeries… that’s scaring as fuck for me due to the experiences I made in hospital when I was a kid! I’d love to change my body into a more manly looking way but when it comes about hospital and anesthesia… panic attack!


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