Names, names, names

Dear Diary,

a tough time on my journey. The last two days I had horrible dysphoria. With my gender, with my face and voice. Nothing suits me. Tried to distract me and painted myself facial hair. It worked well. I looked more manly and found out that facial hair kinda suit me.

Though I experience dysphoria with the rest of me. Body parts and also my name. I’m not sure yet, if I will stick with my current name. If it really suits me, if this is really me. Luka.

I was tired and empty, had two collapses. One last night and one today. So I took a break and a nap.
I had a dream. I dreamed I was a man. With everything. The right body parts and stubble on my face. It felt sooo good! Though I’m still scared as fuck. I haven’t fully accepted that I’m trans* yet. But I killed already the girl that I was supposed to be. Which makes me feel genderless and nameless now. I bury my old identity, but haven’t found the new one, my real identity yet.

I woke up with a new “old” name in my head: Jesse (pronounced J-e-s-s-e) Suddenly I remembered something from my childhood. I don’t know anymore where I’ve found this name, in a book? Or maybe a child in our neighbourhood was called so? But I remember how I was saying the name quiet for myself and thought “Why this can’t be my name?”

So I’m thinking about a name change. I’ve chosen Luka because here in Germany it’s a unisex name. SInce I’m not sure what gender I am, I wanted to go by a unisex name first. But I still like my childhood favourite name. Maybe I can add it as middle name and go by Luka Jesse.

To choose a name for yourself is not easy. You have to find the one and only name that suits you, that represents you. If I choose a new name, I have to be with this name the rest of my life. So I have to choose it very, very carefully. Which means, let’s play around with names!

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