I had lost myself

Dear Diary,

A new day in my journey to find myself. When I think back through the 30 years that I have been on earth now, I realize one thing. I had lost myself. I remember a time where I didn’t care about my gender. For me it was clear I’m not a girl. Though I wasn’t sure if I’m a boy in the wrong body. Everyday I was wearing genderless clothes, jeans and t-shirts/hoodies, always two sizes bigger than I needed. They made me feel comfortable. It were my brother’s clothes.

I never got why I was considered to be different than my brother. I was playing soccer, climbing trees and really enjoyed hanging up with him and his friends. He was annoyed by my behaviour. Told me that he don’t want to be with his “little sister”. I didn’t get it. Why was I different from him if it was only my body what was different?

When I was around 20 and had my first boyfriend (because you are supposed to have romantic relationship with a guy), I lost myself. I tried to become more feminine, tried skirts, dresses, make up and let my hair grow. From this time until two years ago I was almost continuous in a romantic relationship with guys. I had no interest to be in one, but society tells you it’s what you need, what everyone should desire. I had lost myself.

I always hated it when people were taking pictures of me. It makes me so uncomfortable and when I look at these pics I feel like “This is not me. This does not look like me.” Though I didn’t know (and still don’t know) what looks like me.
I couldn’t recognize myself on pictures and in the mirror.

Two years ago I broke up with my last boyfriend. It was a relief. I cut my hair short again like I was used to. I still was dressing feminine but used less make up. It was a slight change. Just a few weeks ago I was in a dress and with make up celebrating my birthday. Now this seems odd to me. That was not me.
I’m not going to say that I will never wear skirts, a dress or other feminine clothes again. If I wake up one day and want to feel pretty and cute, then I will dress up! In my opinion this doesn’t make me less of a guy. I learned that,

your preferred clothing style does not affect your gender!

My goal for the next months is, to get more male clothes, dress up more masculine and just “being more manly”. I’m curious how this will make me feel, if I finally will feel comfortable and can say, Yes, this is me!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s