Thoughts about me

Is it really okay to experiment with yourself? To change your style, maybe your whole identity? To find yourself, to see if it makes you more comfortable with yourself. To become a person you didn’t know but maybe this is how you wanted to be all your life.
What if you even change your gender? Isn’t it confusing for people who knew your old you? Isn’t it weird looking, if you “suddenly” want to be someone else? You changed your clothing style, gender, name, pronouns.

Actually I’m out of the age for experiments. Will it be tolerated by the people who know me? And why I start just now?, they might wonder. Well, all my life I was told it’s not okay for a girl to want to be, and look like, a boy. People will think you are a lesbian, my friend told me when I was a teenager. No guy will like you anymore. But I wanted that guys like me. Not in the way she meant, I just wanted to be accepted, to be one of them, belong to them.
I was supposed to be a girl. I’m tired of it. It feels like I’m playing a role and I totally suck at it.

Still I have the fear that I have to fit other peoples expectations. But now, that I’m adult, I learn that I can look like whatever I want to be. I can be whoever I want to be. Really? Won’t people judge me for changing that drastically?

When I think back on my life, I remember how I adored those boyish girl, who skipped their assigned gender and gender roles. I wished, I’d been that brave too. But: It’s not okay for a girl to be like a boy.
It is really hard to get those words out of mind now. I still hear them when I cut my hair again, when I go looking for men’s clothes and try them on. It is still difficult to shut down this voice. I need to tell myself, It is okay. You can be whoever you want to be. You like those clothes? Fine. Get them. Wear them with pride.

At the moment I’m testing out myself. Try to find myself. The real me. If I want to present male, take a male name and male pronouns, I will do so. I want to know if it makes me more comfortable. And I shouldn’t care what other people think about me. I do this for me, and only for me! It is my journey I’m on and it’s only me who has to walk this path.

I don’t know if I might be trans*, I just started this journey. I don’t experience dysphoria with my body, I’m used to this body. But often I envy men for their chest, but don’t want to give up on my female parts too. It’s complicated, I’m confused and I have no idea where this journey will lead me. I’m here to find it out.


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