Last night I wish I’d die. Autumn weather brings the pain. The wind and rain are a torture for my nerves. The inner scars from all the surgeries get inflamed. It feels like my nerves burn in hell.
But the tumours like the weather as well. They start to swell. My stomach looks like I’m pregnant. They give me nausea and cramps.
No one understands how chronic pain feels until they live it.
Sometimes I can’t take one step for weeks. Sometimes I even can’t eat anything for a whole week. It’s a misery. I can’t stand this pain, want to get free of it but I don’t want to take so many medication. I had too much of this in my life.
Last night I wish I’d die. I wanted to fight pain with pain but I decided otherwise. Instead of slitting my wrists, I took my medication and listened my lifesaver Still Waters Run Deep until I couldn’t open my eyes anymore.
Music is a sweet painkiller. It doesn’t causes side effects. You can’t overdose on it.
Autumn is the time of disease flares. Often it’s so hard to go on. I live a life in constantly pain. I have to live after my disease, and the chronic pain. Plans often get cancelled because the pain is just too much. Things I wanna do, I can’t do.
I hate my weak body for that, it needs so much rest to recover. It drives me crazy. I wanna live! I wanna go out, even if it’s only for a walk. I wanna meet friends but I don’t have any here anymore. No one understands chronic pain if they haven’t live it. People get tired about it. “Think on something else.” – “You need to distract you.” – “Stop whining.”
If you have to live with chronic pain, there is nothing but the pain. You can’t ignore it. Yes, I would love to stay longer and spend time with you but currently I feel like I’m dying. Yes, I’m still talking about it because I need to vent. I can’t close it all inside.
Be a good friend. Take me into your arms, wipe my tears away. Place here with me and make my suffering less.