CN Depression

I can’t anymore. The daily pain feels more and more intense, it exhausts me, is tiring. And now there comes kind of fatigue and insomnia to it too. For several weeks I can’t find sleep in the night anymore. Often I try for 2 h to fall asleep and nothing seems to help. Often it is because of pain, I start moving around, trying to find a position that feels halfway comfortable. I tried to comfort myself with taking a hot bath before, had to increase my dosage of Tilidin to 15-20 drops, what is still under the bottom line of dosage, but actually I should not take more than 10 drops my pain doctor suggested. But I can’t stand it anymore! 2 weeks ago my pain was so intense I couldn’t stand up straight anymore and could barely move. Every position hurt, no matter if I was sitting or lying. I took every 6 hours Tilidin, started with 10 and ended up with 20 drops but it didn’t help at all. In the end I was so desperate that I combined it with dolormin extra, which has 684mg Ibuprofen. I know this is not a solution for long time therapy but I couldn’t stand it anymore. I felt like I was dying. And this combination worked so fine, I did it the next night again and woke up almost free of pain for the first time in 20 years. I’m temped to keep taking it together with Tilidin but it’ll probably destroy my already hurt liver.

So I’ve been at the pain doctor a few days ago, but I had the feeling that he didn’t noticed how bad I’m really doing. There plays my autism through and makes it harder for me to show my feelings and emotions how they really are. I felt like he couldn’t help me but giving me a new prescription for Tilidin. At the first appointment, when he heard my story and the severe different pain I experience he asked me if I have tried cannabis. Unfortunately it’s still illegal in Germany. He wanted to prescribe me some but can’t. What fucked up law is this? He suggested to me that I go looking around for anyone who can give me some. I have to become a criminal if I wan’t to get rid of my pain. Because of that I don’t have friends here, it’s not that easy to find someone. And I never had experiences with Cannabis. I don’t know what kind of sort I need, nor how much or how to consume it to get the best effect. My physiotherapist wanted to ask around in her circle of friends if anyone knows how to use it for pain treatment. So far without results. On Tuesday I go to physio again and want to ask if she just can get me anything. I don’t care anymore. I’m willing to try everything now. I’m desperated and I can’t stand the pain anymore. I only want it to end. And I don’t want to keep experimenting with Tilidin; I’ll probably end up like Prince…

Even if the law for medical Cannabis will get legalized, one of the conditions is that you have to tried everything else before. So in my case I wouldn’t get it anyway, because my pain doctor refuses to try out Morphine and Fentanyl, what I also don’t want to. If I get from Tilidin alredy so fucking drugged and sedated, the effect on Morphine and Fentanyl will be even stronger. And I wouldn’t have any improvement in life if the pain might be better but I’m so drugged that I only sleep all day.

All I want is a medication that reduces my chronic pain but keeps me awake, clear enough in mind that I can live my life again. I haven’t left my home for several weeks. Only for appointments. When I get back, I’m so exhausted and in pain that I need rest for several days to recover. And I’m talking about simple things like the weekly grocery shopping. I would love so much to just make it down to the forest in front of my home for a 15min walk. But this is already too much for me. While I’m writing this here, I have inflamed pain in my whole abdomen. My lymphangiom. Plus burning pain in my leg and now my back starts to hurt as well so I’m already sitting too long in front of my computer. I feel so done, exhausted, tired and desperate. I just can’t anymore. I want to give up.

Comparison 1 year 3 months on T

CN: uncensored shirtless pics!!

So I thought I post some comparison pics of me since it’s been a while. Testosterone is still changing much and working hard in my body. It has made me really happy so far. I got more fluffy hair on my legs and chin. Unfortunately the facial hair is still too fluffy to capture it on a picture😀
Also testosterone has done a lot to my chest. When I’m laying on m back there’s almost no breast tissue to see anymore, which makes me super happy and let’s me believe that soon I can go shirtless in public without anyone to think that I was “actually a girl”. My goal is that I can get seen as a man with gynecomastia.In the pictures you also can tell how much my face has changed. It’s incredible. Finally I don’t look like a little kid no more lol And almost like my age!

Taken just a few days ago🙂


Left: February ’15; Right: September ’16


Where has my breast tissue gone? Feeling good shirtless😀


Left: pre-T; Right: September ’16

Music (Poetry)


Music, is what I need
to survive.

In the morning
to wake me up
and let the nightmares fade.

It brings me through the day,
is my shield against the loud world.

It soothes me,
when I’m in pain
and wait for the painkiller to help.

It’s my lullaby
for the night.

Music, is what I need
to survive.

22.09.16 © LJ Meindl All rights reserved.