TW: Rape, sexual assault, domestic violence!
The #MeToo Hastag goes around and I want to speak up what I went through too. Because it’s not only women who get raped. Everybody can be a victim of sexual assault; regardless of gender!
A while ago I wrote a short story like post in german about this. (Autobiografische Kurzgeschichte (Teil 1); Autobiografische Kurzgeschichte Part 2; Autobiografische Kurzgeschichte 3) Now I want to try to do it in english again.
I was 17 and had my first boyfriend. He invited me to his friends home. We were alone there. He started to kiss me and touch me but I told him that I didn’t want to sleep with him. He got more pushy and suddenly grabbed me, rolled me over on my belly and pressed my head in a pillow. I couldn’t breathe, scream or fight. His whole weight was on me. All I could do was lay there and wait until he finished. When I went back home, my legs were shaking. I was confused. It was my first time sex and I didn’t know if it was normal to feel like I did. Disgusted, scared, used. Later I talked with my friend and cousins about it. But they only told me that “Every woman has to go through it.” “Sex is only for men.” “First time is always awful.”
Until I talked with a rape survivor, I didn’t even realised what has happened. Because of what I was told. “Every woman has to go through it. It’s normal.”
Because I’ve been told that “it will get better if you make more experiences”, I kept being with him. I even married this man. I was young and naive.
One night he came home drunk. I was sleeping and sedated from my pain medication and antidepressants. When he first touched me, I didn’t really wake up. I thought I was dreaming. But when he got on top of me, I realised it wasn’t a dream. My brain was foggy but I tried to push him off me. But he just held my arms over my head while he raped me. Again I only could wait until he finished. Gladly I was so sedated that I kept passing out during the assault. The next morning I wasn’t even sure if this really had happened, but I could feel it from my vagina.
He tried to rape me one more time but this time I could fight back. I got myself free off his arms and escaped to the living room. He followed me, grabbed me and told me that I “owe him sex” and that he “can use me whenever he wants” because I was “his wife”. I fought with him so he slapped me into my face. But so I finally could get free and threw something at him before I grabbed my keys and left the apartment. I was only seconds in front of the door when I remembered a friend of my friend who lived just 2 doors down. I got there quickly, scared, he would follow me. I ringed this friend out of bed at 3am and he gave me a shocked look when he saw the mess that I was. After I told him what happened, he wanted to go over and beat him but I stopped him. I was just glad that he didn’t know where I was and that I was safe there for the moment.
I have never spoken about this. Only with a close friend and my therapist. My family doesn’t know what happened, and as I said, I myself only realised it was rape after I talked with a rape survivor. All the years I thought “it wasn’t real rape”, “we were a couple”, “he didn’t use force”. Rape comes in many shapes. If you say “No!” but a man goes on, it’s rape! If you are unconscious and he uses your shape, it’s rape! Even if he’s your boyfriend or husband. We must break our silence so other victims can realise if they got raped. I don’t want anybody to suffer for 15 years like I did because I thought “that doesn’t count”.
There are some other stories but I haven’t worked them through myself yet, so I will share them later.