Swimming part 2

So the summer is back in Germany. And with it the desire to want to go swimming. Sadly I haven’t made it yet. I wish I could say it was because of my disease and the chronic pain that kept me in bed for several days. Or the stress with changing all the papers after my name/gender change, but to be honestly, I scare to go swimming. I scare because my body doesn’t look “cis-appropriate”. I’m afraid to get stared at, to get insulted, harrassed. With words but also physically. I’m scared I will get misgendered, called a girl or to hear that “this dude has tits like a girl”. And Now I wonder if this is how cis-men with gynecomastia feel like…

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Swimming shorts pic. 1 year 1 month 24 days on T

I’d loved to go to the Havel swimming, but I don’t dare. I know that they are swimming shirts for trans-people like me, but I don’t see why I should need to cover up and hide my body when actually nothing is wrong with it? It’s society that has a problem with people who do not look “appropriate”. That kinda feels like fat-shaming for me. Like bigger people are told they should not wear a bikini/go to the lake because society thinks it looks disgusting.

So what can I do to solve my problem? Working on my self-esteem I think.
I think, it would be much easier for me if I would have a bunch of friends in my back who would strengthen me if anyone says something about my chest to me. But unfortunately I’m all alone here…

I talked about swimming and my chest “problems” here as well: Swimming as Transgender
Fight for your right to be shirtless

 

Name/Gender change

Some good news: I got a letter from the court about my name and gender change. I am now officially Luka Jesse Meindl and sex/gender male! (There is only one word in german for gender/sex) Although I am actually genderneutral, I really like the fact to be now legally male in front of the german law. It was a compromise because in german law only exist male and female. And I rather be seen as male than female. 

Nightmare (Poetry)

Nightmare

I’m scared.
Blood is everywhere.
Screams full of agony.
The world dies.

Please hold me close
and safe, big brother.
Make me wake up
from this nightmare.

People keep killing
each other until nothing’s left.
This is war,
and we’re right in it.

You can’t escape
from the fear
for your life.
We’re going to die.

Please hold me tight
and safe, big brother.
Make this nightmare fade.
This nightmare is reality.

© 22.07.16 LJ Meindl All rights reserved.

Romantic Love (Poetry)

Romantic Love

People keep telling me
that I will find love one day.
But, I am loved already,
by friends and family.

Romantic love
is not for me,
and that is okay.
It doesn’t mean
I love less.

It doesn’t mean
I am broken.

Love, I experience strongly.
Platonically, towards my friends.
Often seen as a crush,
I get denied my feelings.

Don’t tell me
that I will fall in love,
one day.
It won’t happen.

I am perfectly fine,
being with myself.
I don’t need a lover
to complete me.

I am aromantic.

© 21.07.16 LJ Meindl All rights reserved.

I wanna live (Poetry)

I wanna live

So many dark times
I’ve went through.
So many pain and fear
I experienced
in this short life.

But, I never given up.
‘Cause I know
how to fight,
how to survive.

I wanna live
my life to the fullest.
I wanna travel
and discover adventures.

Nothing can stop me!
Not the daily pain,
not the social difficulties.
‘Cause I know
how to fight,
how to survive.

I wanna live.
Often I get told,
I should not overdo it.
But, I have nothing to loose.

I wanna live,
and I will live!

© 13.07.16 LJ Meindl All rights reserved.

Success (poetry)

(This is the second part to Because of You.)

Success

You haven’t destroyed my life.
You’ve just changed it.

Yes, I struggle with depression,
self harm and medication abuse.
But I’m strong.
I know how to fight.

Despite my disability
I travel, go to gigs and live my life
the best I can.
That’s my success.

I do it with fear, yes, but I do it!
Although there are moments
I feel like I can’t take this any more,
I never give in.

I’m not done yet.
I haven’t given up on life yet.
There are still many successes
waiting for me to reach them!

You’ve changed my life.
But I make the best out of it.

02.04.14 © L.J. Meindl All rights reserved.