(CN dissociation, trauma, mention of csa)
There’s one topic that doesn’t let me rest and always comes up from time to time. Dissociation. Dissociative Identidy Disorder (DIS) also called multiple personality disorder (MPS).
A few months ago I suddenly had a flashback from a situation in my childhood that has caused me much disstress. Childhood sexual abuse. Two situations I have had always remembered but downplayed like “it was an accident”, “It wasn’t serious. I was just overreacting”. After the flashback I started having nightmares more often, seeing, living, these abusive situation again and again. I told my therapist about it and we decided that I write the memories down, since this often helps me to release and calm down. Now I have less nightmares but I’m not sure if it’s because of writing or if I’m blocking back the memories again.
The flashback was weird for me. I never could remember my childhood well. Just a few situations have stuck with me like when I taught myself reading at age 3. Other stuff I didn’t even remember when I saw photos of the event.
In my 20s I came over a forum for multiple personalities after I researched some of my symptoms. It started after my near death experience. I wrote about it here. Recently I did some more research about MPS and I think this feeling what I experienced may be a form of it. I already had dissociation when I was little, as I know now. Like I can’t remember certain parts of my childhood but do get flashbacks of events. On my first school day there happened something odd. After the day, when we were on the way back home, I had a feeling of I just woke up. As if I was sleeping until then. I had a feeling of not really being there, although I remember parts of the time before. But it felt like it wasn’t me doing things but someone else, as if I was just watching me doing stuff. I know this is a symptom of dissociation.
Later there came moments when I didn’t recognized myself on a photo or I couldn’t remember when it was taken. Over all the years I had often moments that I now find odd but I have seen them more as “I’m getting forgetful”, “I probably haven’t drank enough today” and so on. Like things disappeared. One moment I had something in my hand and thought about to put it somewhere to find it later and then I couldn’t find it anymore and not remembering where I put it. Or recently I was sure that I had opened the lock from the door but it was still locked. It’s only small things I didn’t remembered so it never occured to me it could be MPS.
In the forum I found, people told me that they had big blackouts, like for a few hours. It’s never been like this too me. I’m missing seconds and minutes.
But I know there’s much different forms of MPS. I know that some people are aware of their other (I like to describe it as souls) souls in them and others not. When I was 12 there it started with the memories that felt like memories from someone else. I started to see a young man. What’s different to for example shizophrenia is, we are aware that our “halluzinations” aren’t real. So I’m not really seeing him like seeing things with my eyes, but I imagine him. Like a kid who has an invisible friend. He’s a finnish guy, his name’s Heikki. I don’t know but this name just popped up in my head so I call him that. He told me he protects me and that he will always be here for me. It does makes sense, when I think on the childhood traumas. That I don’t remember them is sign for me that there must be someone else, who has lived this in my place. I haven’t met them yet.
But I kinda know some stuff about Heikki. He’s alloromantic gray-ace gay and a musician. He’s a very nice loving person. Oh and he’s a goth! He lived somewhere in Helsinki; his memories aren’t that clear yet but when walking through the streets, I have the feeling I know the places well. Like home. Since he’s a finn, it makes sense why this language feels so familiar to me. As if I had amnesia and have forgotten it.
This is the first time I’m talking about him although he’s kinda with me since I was 12. Back then it felt like I had two souls, that’s how I described it for myself after it started. But I was scared to be seen as crazy so I didn’t tell anyone about him. I thought “maybe I just have too much fantasy”. I used him often in my stories where he always was my best friend, taking care of me, protecting me, supporting me.
It’s weird and I’m not entirely sure if I have MPS or if I’m just fantasizing. Sometimes I have the feeling as if he’s talking to me in my head. The voice sounds different then than my actual thinking-voice. I’m not sure how to figure it out. I feel like I still block him because it really scares me (although he is so nice!).
Well, soon I’ll be back in Helsinki and I’m already curious if I get some De-javu moments again.